I am going crazy...care to join me?

So lately I have been feeling torn about my life. Sometimes I feel like I am fraudulently leading 3 different lives and trying to pass them off as one symbiotic existence. I have the “Career” side of me (Let’s call her Susan), the “mother/wife” side of me (We will call her June), and the “youthful” side of me (She goes by Charlie). I would like them all to be one person, Rachel. But they are not. Not. Even. Close.
Susan would like nothing more than to work 60 hours a week and break the glass barrier. Susan takes charge of meetings, produces reports at lightening fast speed, and is always finding ways to save the company money or ways to do things better. Basically Susan kicks ass and takes names. You do not want to mess with Susan, just step aside and let her rise to the top. If only.
Every time Susan really thinks she is on the right track, June reminds Susan that she should feel ashamed for spending so much time and energy on her job when she has a household to run. June reminds Susan that her life/dreams/goals/needs are now secondary to that of her family, and that she needs to be satisfied with earning a paycheck and not want a career. June makes a lot of sense. June is supposed to worry about etiquette, manners, safety, cleanliness (it is next to Godliness right?) and being a good wife. After all, this is why she got married and had children right?
Charlie steps in then and reminds Susan and June that life is about living. That there is a world out there that needs exploring. There are rivers to cross, mountains to climb, and barriers to break. There is always a keg that needs tapped and a shot that needs taken. Charlie boasts that we should be the life of the party while we are still young, (30 is still young right?)
This internal struggle goes on constantly, with two always fighting against one.
I struggle with trying to be the best at everything, but so far have just succeeded in being “average in all 3 areas”. What tha…..? It always boils down to guilt. To the expectations I have placed on Susan, June and Charlie. Expectations that cannot reasonably be lived up to, at least not by Rachel.
I have tried to analyze where the guilt comes from, and it stems from many places, with each equally holding a fraction of the blame. I think a lot of women struggle with this, but it is not often talked about. So I have decided that starting today, I am going to rid myself of some of this guilt. There is no reason that Susan cannot put all she has into her career, while still working reasonable hours, and screw you if you think it is negligent to her family. And June can be the wife and mother she wants to be, not what she feels pressured to be. She can leave toys on the floor, make horrible dinners, and just play with her children and love them, and love her husband, without feeling the need to be perfect. Judge not and all of that crap. And Charlie can still come out every now and then and drink a beer (or 4 shots) without feeling guilty as long as Susan and June are still able to successfully cover for Charlie’s indiscriminate behavior.
Why the hell should I care what other people think? But I do, and even as I type this I am having an anxiety attack because I said “ass” and mentioned drinking, and what will the people who read this (all five of you ha) think of me? Drats. Maybe I am not the “let loose of the guilt all at once” type of girl. But one day. Slowly. I will learn that the people in my life who truly love me and whom I should be concerned about love Susan, Charlie, June, and most importantly Rachel.

Once there were 3 ladies

Once there were 3 ladies
As different as they could be
They had nothing in common
And all had different dreams

One longed to have a career
That would make her family proud
One she could brag about
And would surely draw a crowd

One longed to raise her family
To be the best that they could be
3 kids, a husband, and a perfect home
She was the mother to be envied

The other wanted to have fun
And live life to the fullest
If ever there was a Queen of the party
Surely she was the coolest

Once there were 3 ladies
As different as they could be
They had nothing in common
Except they all were me
~RNP 2010

***All names have been changed to protect the innocent.
***Author is not “technically” insane and does not suffer from multiple personality disorder. She enjoys every minute of it.