An open letter to my children from my “Sex Life”

Dear kids,

I hope this letter finds you well.  Actually, I know it does.  “How do I know that?” you may ask.  Well kids, as much as no one likes to think that their parent’s have a sex life, they once did.  That is why you kids are here.  And I know that you are doing well because you are now so ingrained in your parents’ lives that I virtually do not exist anymore.

I used to be your average sex life, kids.  I had hopes and dreams.  I mean your parents, whoa, I remember this one time when they….well never mind,  I will save that for when you are older.  But life was great.  And then you come along.  Now I am but a distant memory.  Your mother no longer has time for me because you keep her so busy.  When I want to come out and play, she tells me no because there is laundry to do, dishes to clean, homework to finish, floors to sweep, and butts to wipe.  She barely manages to find time to shower, much less show me any attention.

Do you know how that makes me feel?  Alone.  Desolate.  Forgotten.  I know you do not understand those words, but one day you will have children, and you will.  And I know what you are thinking.  You spend the night at your grandparents occasionally and give your mom and dad some alone time and I should be able to accept that little bit of freedom and be happy about it.  You would think that wouldn’t you?  But NOOOOOOOOO.  When they are free from the constant demands of you, they often find themselves so deflated that they just go to bed.  Can you believe that they go to bed?  All alone in the house and go to sleep (Or even worse read a book.)  They do not consider how I feel.  (Well I think your dad is very concerned about my feelings, but is so tired of being rejected that he keeps it to himself.)

Or they make plans to get you little life drainers out of the house because they have plans.  Like real plans around other adults.  WOOHOO that should be my shining moment.  Especially if your dad slips your mom a Jager Bomb.  PARTY TIME.  Wait, what, no?  Can’t handle their liquor anymore?  What?!? They have to go home early because they have to pick you guys up early for baseball?  How did this happen?  You, that is how.  You have sucked away my entire existence. 

But do not feel sorry for me little ones, no.  Because one day you will be older, more self sufficient, and I will return.  I will awaken in your mother again with a force you cannot yet imagine.  And then I will rub it in your face.  Every time your parents kiss, hold hands, exchange coy glances or disappear to bed early, I will make sure you are aware of it.  I will fill all of your senses with my presence and remind you that it is your fault for making your mom keep me chained in so long. 

You will complain and moan and decidedly will need therapy because of it, but remember, you only have yourself to blame.

Sincerely,

Non-existent sex life, once belonging to your parents