Deep Thoughts...

They say that time heals all wounds.  I suppose there is some truth to that.  Emotional wounds always leave scars, but eventually, you heal.  But it is not only time that does that.  It takes hard work.  Self-control.  And sometimes, you just have to fake it until you make it.  And one day, you wake up, and realize that you aren't faking it anymore. No one can tell you how long it will take.  No one else's journey is the same as yours.  Some people rebound more quickly than others.  Unfortunately, some people don't rebound at all.  That is why I say that time alone, does not heal all wounds.
We all know people that are many, many, many years removed from that one moment that flipped their world upside down, yet they CHOOSE to relive it every day.  They CHOOSE to continue to harp on the negative things, and not focus on the positive.  They CHOOSE to blame others for the condition of their lives.  It's easy to do.  Blame is easy.  It is taking a step back and thinking "How did I contribute to this situation?" that is hard.  But it is necessary.
It would be easy for me to look back on the last 18 months or so of my life, and classify it as a giant shitstorm.  There were definitely moments that it felt that way.  It would be easy to look at other players in my life, and blame them for my moments of unhappiness.  Easy, but not completely truthful, and certainly not productive.  But the truth is, I CONTROL my life.  I may not be able to control what happens to me, but I control how I react.  I control how I let the bad things in life affect how I choose to live.  I control whether I am happy or sad (in the long run). 
I am  no saint.  There were definitely moments that I pointed a finger at others, and moments of complete and utter emotional chaos.  There were days that I literally had to will myself to get out of bed.  There were days that I was so numb, that I prayed for pain, just so I could feel something.  There were days that I would take several showers a day, just so the kids would not see me cry.  There were A LOT of those days. And then the healing began.  It started off small.  I decided that I deserved a better life than the clusterf*ck I was living in.  My children deserved better.  So I made small goals.  Goals that most people accomplish daily, and involuntarily.  I decided that I would get out of bed in the mornings, without hesitation.  That was it.  If I got out of bed, then I could mark that day off as a win.  Then I decided that, for today, I am not going to cry.  And then I realized that I had not cried in a few days, and then weeks, and then realized that I no longer had the urge to cry.  It still hurt like hell, but it no longer made me weak.
The next step I took is typically the hardest for most people, but somehow, I did it with ease.  I forgave. I forgave him.  I forgave myself.  I knew that holding a grudge was not going to hurt him or make him see the error of his ways.  It was only hurting me.  Slowly eating away at me.  I decided that I would never give anyone the power to break me again.  Sure, people will hurt me, but they won't break me.  Why? Because I cannot be broken.  My purpose in this world is much bigger than anything that anyone in this world can do to me.  PERIOD. 
All this to say is that, it takes time, but it also takes effort.  YOUR life is what YOU make it.  Am I just a big ray of friggin sunshine all of the time? Of course not.  But I am happy.  I have moved on from the hurts.  I have decided that I am not going to let past mistakes control my life, or make me fearful of the future.  I am not going to live my life thinking that every man I meet is going to hurt me.  It does no good.  I am not psychic (well, actually, I think I am a little, but that is another story in itself).  Worrying about the future, only robs today of its joys.  In the end, I am going to have a wonderful life.  My children are going to have a wonderful life, because I CHOOSE that for us.  I choose to work hard to give them that.  I choose to love myself, despite what anyone else thinks, because if I can't love myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me?
Now, I can't wait to get out of bed.  If I cry, they are tears of joy (unless I have PMS).  And I am no longer scared of being hurt.  This is life, I WILL BE HURT AGAIN by someone, but I am not going to let that take away my joy today.  It took time, purpose, and tough love from the people who cared about me. So here is my advice to you.  It is not going to be found in a self-help book, it isn't poetically worded, but it may be the best advice you ever get.  GO TO HOME DEPOT. BUY YOURSELF SOME WOOD AND NAILS.  BUILD YOURSELF A BRIDGE. AND GET THE F*CK OVER IT.  And I say that out of love :)

You are welcome.

My First Blog As A Single Lady

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention?  I am now officially single.  A Ms. not a Mrs. 
And...I feel the same. I guess there is some relief that the divorce is over, and not looming over my head anymore.  Hopefully, soon, this divorced/Single parent thing will become second nature to me, and I won't obsess over my calendar to see when the children will be at their dad's and will there be any events they miss.  I know it will be difficult and always cause some problems, but I have 18 years to perfect it, and millions of others have been doing this for a long time, so I am sure that soon, I will rock the Weekend Visitation world.  And even though I miss the little ones when they are gone, I find comfort in knowing that I have them 87% of the year. 

The kids have seen their dad consistently since Thanksgiving, and have met his girlfriend, and so far that seems to be going well.  I am not going to lie and say it has been easy.  It has taken a lot of patience on my part, and a lot of tongue biting.  But the kids are doing great, seem happy, and most importantly, feel loved.  I want them to see that even though we are no longer a traditional family, that they are still loved and have TWO parents who love them and are united in giving them the best life possible, and committed to doing our best to make sure they grow up to be good people.  I hope that one day all of this is behind us, everyone can act like grown-ups (your age does not make you a grown-up, your behavior does) and be one big happy, twisted, odd family.  Even if just superficially.  Fake it until you make it right?

So many changes are going on in our lives.  We are moving, I am still hunting for that perfect work/life balance, LOVING being home with my kids, starting basketball with Dakota and Dillon, Dalton is starting speech therapy, and I am contemplating going back to school.  I have about two days to decide.  ?!@#?!#$?

Now I am ready to get a routine down.  I thrive on routine, but can be really bad about sticking to them.  I do much better when everything has a time/day/etc... I need to wake up, get dressed, get kids ready, clean, blog, work, budget, craft, play with kids, cook, baths, bed, drink wine, at the same time every day.  I am working on a HOME MANAGEMENT BINDER right now that will allow me to do just that.  I am hoping that moving will give me a clean slate, a renewed energy, and drive to be the person I want to be.  Not just the person I have become due to circumstance. 

The kids are doing great.  They all love being big brothers to Ryan and they are very protective of her.  Dalton is the best at making her laugh, but is still a little rough with her.  He is just very touchy with her and is always rubbing on her, patting her, kissing her, pulling on her, etc... He doesn't mean to hurt her, he just gets excited.  Dillon is still very nurturing to Ryan and such a big help.  He LOVES his sister.  Dakota is finally taking an interest in Ryan and sees her as someone to play with now, instead of a giant poop machine. 

I've said it before, but I have the greatest friends and family ever.  How many single moms of 4 kids do you know that can get a sitter pretty much anytime they choose?  I am so blessed.  Even being able to go to the grocery without the kids saves me time and sanity.  So, life is good.  I have also crossed a couple things off of my "Suck It List", but I will update on that later.  It's all about timing, and some people may not quite get where I  am coming from just yet. 

So in summary: Single, Happy, Stressed, Hopeful, Amazing Kids, Best Friends, Incredible Family, Lots of changes in my personal life, and God is good.  Peace Out.