And then...

Sorry to the 5 of you that read this that I have not updated in awhile.  Between the boys' busy schedules and kind of feeling crappy, I just have not had the energy.  But today, I write...I don't have anything to say, but I write anyways.

This pregnancy has had a lot of ups and downs, and I have to say that even though this is my 4th pregnancy, I feel like I have had to relearn everything.  I do not know if things have just changed that much in 2 years, or what, but I feel like I am on an episode of punk'd.  My BP was high so he said he would induce at 37 weeks (because of my history of pre-eclampsia) but I had one normal reading so they said "never mind."

Then I had a 2 week migraine where I could not see or think, and they just kept pushing me full of narcotics to mask the pain.  They said they would induce then, but my BP seemed fine.  So then my BP got up to around 188/100 and I went to Vandy.  They could not find any usable amniotic fluid to measure (has to me space with no umbilical chord in it) and my BP was skyrocketing.  I was partially dilated and effaced.  They said I really needed to be induced, but did not want to do it without my records.  So Monday, the moment I have been waiting for I thought had arrived.  PAINFUL contractions 2-3 minutes apart.  I could not walk, talk, or hardly breathe. 

I went to the hospital and they hooked me up to machines to monitor contractions and Ryan's heart rate, which looked like this:

Then they came back later and checked me and my cervix had not changed.  They gave me two shots of a pain med for pain and to slow labor.  My contractions actually increased so they decided to watch me longer.  This is around 1 a.m. on 6/21.  At 5:30 a.m. I could not take the pain anymore and asked for pain meds.  The meds made the intensity of the contractions a little lower, but did not slow them down.  My BP at this point is ranging from 180/105 to 155/95.  They said that was due to the pain and they were not worried.  (WTF...ugh)

So since my cervix was not changing, they sent me home.  Here is what my contractions still looked like:

So I have been having contractions since Monday night, but nothing is making my cervix change, so here I am.  I have an ultrasound at 1 today to check my amniotic fluids to see if they are low.  They were low last week, and Dr. said if dangerous low today, would induce today, but I doubt it.  I don't know what to believe.

I do know that I am being induced for sure on Monday the 27th.  I have already registered.  Besides key people who need to be there, I want to keep things as calm as possible until Ryan is born.  While I appreciate all of the support I got in my other labors, we all know it can be a long process.  But I want everyone to come and visit after she is born!!!  And honestly, I am not sure how I will be doing emotionally. On one hand I am getting that precious baby girl I have always dreamed of.  On the other hand, I am doing it without her father and the man I thought I would spend my life with.  I cry now as I type this.  I know there is a reason, and I get stronger every day, but the truth is, I am angry. 

Ryan deserves better than this, all my children do.  Hell, I do.  But it is what it is, I can only do what is right for my family, but it does not make the pain go away.  At least not yet.  But hopefully soon I will begin to heal.  Once Ryan is born, a court date will be set, and then it will be kind of like reliving all of the pain again, but at least there will be an end in sight. 

You Don't Have the Right

How could you do this to me?
What kind of person does this?

What kind of fool am I to still care?

I should hate you but I am just hurt.

So hurt. This is not how it is supposed to be.

We had it all planned out.

This is the home we planned.

The family we planned.

How could you just give up?

You gave up without even trying.

How is that even fair?

Didn't we deserve better?

We got no trying, no explanation, just a goodbye.

And now you live your life like you don't have 3 kids and one on the way.

Who are you?

How was it so easy for you?

Did you feel guilty at all when you would come home knowing what you did?

Or letting me fight so hard for something you had no chance of giving me?

Do you have a soul?

How do you look at yourself?

I am your wife dammit. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Doesn't the 12 years we had together mean anything?

What about the secrets we shared?

All of the laughs?

What about sitting and talking for hours?

We shared our hopes and dreams.

How could you walk away when things got tough?

How could you watch me beg and plead, and not care?

How could you throw it all away?

I don't care if you love her.

It still does not give you the right because we loved you.

And you made a promise to us.

Do promises mean nothing?

What about our vows?

What about how hurt you were when your father did this, and you were an adult, but you had no problem doing it to us?

You don't have the right.

I don't know what to say

My daughter will be here within the week and the emotions are overwhelming.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of this place?  Maybe I am not meant to.  Maybe this IS my life.  Part of the reason I have made it this way, and done so well,  is because of denial.  It hit me tonight that I think part of me, back in the back of my mind, felt like something would happen to make this all go away.  To make this all alright.  But that is not going to happen.  Not right now.  There is a lot of pain to still come and I have to accept that.  REALLY accept that.  
We will survive and even be happy.  But it is going to be a long time before things are truly alright.  There is so much more to deal with and work through.  I just hope I am strong enough.  For my children's sake.  I have to be.  I have to accept my role in this, and fix in me what needs changing and then learn to forgive that in others that is not what I thought it would be.  And do it while dealing with all of this and life in general.  I have tried to push these thoughts back and just focus on Ryan and seeing her soon, but it is hard.  It is hard to reconcile the life I have now to the life I had just 10 months ago.  I am still so scare, confused, hurt, sad, and all kinds of other emotions.  But I have my friends, family, children, and of course God, helping me get through this.
I just feel like I am emotionally retarded and should be over this by now.

When are you going to wake up?


When will this all end?

When are you going to put your children?

Before your little friend



When will you meet me in the middle?

When will you understand?

When will you be the person you were?

Instead of this heartless man

Bittersweet

I was thinking this morning how many of life's moments are bittersweet lately.  For every good thing or milestone, there is a painful memory attached.  I always knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but never imagined that looking back on the laughs would make me cry.
I try to stay positive and remind myself how blessed I am, but can't help but fight that something inside of me that reminds me that something is missing.  All of these things happening in life right now with my children, are meant to be shared.  I know I have an amazing support group that I can count on, but that is not how it is supposed to be.
My children deserve to have two parents that are involved in their life.  They deserve to have two parents so excited to share everything with them.  Even if the parents aren't together, they should communicate and share and be able to relate to each other when it comes to their children.  It does not have to be this hard.  If I can put it all behind me, why can't he?  Why am I still treated like the Wicked Witch of the West?
8 years ago today, I found the perfect wedding dress for me and I was so excited to walk down the aisle in one month to marry my best friend.  Never did I imagine that our story would have anything less than a happy ending.  We shared everything.  Were on the same page on so many things, and our different personality types complimented each other so well.  We had already been together for 4.5 years, and I was excited to spend eternity with him.
We had so many happy memories over the years.  I can recall only a couple of truly bad memories.  I was happy.  We were happy.  Truly happy.  I do not know where it all changed, or went wrong, or why.  I can pinpoint almost the exact moment it did though.  I could feel the shift in our relationship and I started fighting like hell.  I did not know what I was fighting against, but I knew what I was fighting for.  I knew I had to fight harder than I have ever fought before.  And I did.  For months.  Even after I knew it was hopeless.  Even when I saw what I was up against, I fought.  I refused to let something ruin what we had built.  To hurt my children.  I lost.  And that was hard for me.  I don't lose.  I win.  That is what I do.  At whatever cost, I succeed.  But when it came to the most important thing in my life, I was not strong enough.  Or good enough.  Or smart enough.  Or pretty enough.  I was not "enough" of something.  That really sucks to realize.
So here I am 8 years later, looking into the eyes of my three beautiful boys and getting ready for my baby shower for my precious daughter, and I am alone.  Not literally, there are plenty of people around, but figuratively, alone.  Fighting this battle that I should never have had to fight, against the one person in the world who knows me well enough to defeat me.  The one person I ever truly let in, all the way.  The one person who knew me inside and out.  And I knew him. I know him.  The real him.  I refuse to believe that this is the real him.  That this despicable, mean, low, trashy, and  shallow person is permanent.  I can't believe that.  Not just for myself, but for the future of my children.
I try to keep the negativity at bay but it is hard.  When I look in the mirror and rub my stomach I get so happy, and then realize that her father has never once done that.  When I am spending time with the boys I feel so blessed, and then feel so sorry for them that their father is sleeping with his teenage girlfriend, or hanging out at his pool. The kids would love to see him.  For him to take them swimming or show any interest.  He blames me for this.  Says since they cannot be around his girlfriend that he cannot see them often.  And there are times I feel like giving in because they miss him so much.  But I know that is not the right thing to do.  It will not help my children to know what their dad is doing.  It will hurt them so badly to know that he has put her first time and time again.  Trust me, I know the hurt.  So I will keep fighting.  I will play the bad guy.  I will take the blame.  I will be his scapegoat.  In the end, I know that I am doing the right thing.  And that my children and I will have a great life, no matter what he does.
I know that.  I believe that.  It does not make it hurt any less.