And then...

Sorry to the 5 of you that read this that I have not updated in awhile.  Between the boys' busy schedules and kind of feeling crappy, I just have not had the energy.  But today, I write...I don't have anything to say, but I write anyways.

This pregnancy has had a lot of ups and downs, and I have to say that even though this is my 4th pregnancy, I feel like I have had to relearn everything.  I do not know if things have just changed that much in 2 years, or what, but I feel like I am on an episode of punk'd.  My BP was high so he said he would induce at 37 weeks (because of my history of pre-eclampsia) but I had one normal reading so they said "never mind."

Then I had a 2 week migraine where I could not see or think, and they just kept pushing me full of narcotics to mask the pain.  They said they would induce then, but my BP seemed fine.  So then my BP got up to around 188/100 and I went to Vandy.  They could not find any usable amniotic fluid to measure (has to me space with no umbilical chord in it) and my BP was skyrocketing.  I was partially dilated and effaced.  They said I really needed to be induced, but did not want to do it without my records.  So Monday, the moment I have been waiting for I thought had arrived.  PAINFUL contractions 2-3 minutes apart.  I could not walk, talk, or hardly breathe. 

I went to the hospital and they hooked me up to machines to monitor contractions and Ryan's heart rate, which looked like this:

Then they came back later and checked me and my cervix had not changed.  They gave me two shots of a pain med for pain and to slow labor.  My contractions actually increased so they decided to watch me longer.  This is around 1 a.m. on 6/21.  At 5:30 a.m. I could not take the pain anymore and asked for pain meds.  The meds made the intensity of the contractions a little lower, but did not slow them down.  My BP at this point is ranging from 180/105 to 155/95.  They said that was due to the pain and they were not worried.  (WTF...ugh)

So since my cervix was not changing, they sent me home.  Here is what my contractions still looked like:

So I have been having contractions since Monday night, but nothing is making my cervix change, so here I am.  I have an ultrasound at 1 today to check my amniotic fluids to see if they are low.  They were low last week, and Dr. said if dangerous low today, would induce today, but I doubt it.  I don't know what to believe.

I do know that I am being induced for sure on Monday the 27th.  I have already registered.  Besides key people who need to be there, I want to keep things as calm as possible until Ryan is born.  While I appreciate all of the support I got in my other labors, we all know it can be a long process.  But I want everyone to come and visit after she is born!!!  And honestly, I am not sure how I will be doing emotionally. On one hand I am getting that precious baby girl I have always dreamed of.  On the other hand, I am doing it without her father and the man I thought I would spend my life with.  I cry now as I type this.  I know there is a reason, and I get stronger every day, but the truth is, I am angry. 

Ryan deserves better than this, all my children do.  Hell, I do.  But it is what it is, I can only do what is right for my family, but it does not make the pain go away.  At least not yet.  But hopefully soon I will begin to heal.  Once Ryan is born, a court date will be set, and then it will be kind of like reliving all of the pain again, but at least there will be an end in sight.