My daughter will be here within the week and the emotions are overwhelming. How did I get here? How do I get out of this place? Maybe I am not meant to. Maybe this IS my life. Part of the reason I have made it this way, and done so well, is because of denial. It hit me tonight that I think part of me, back in the back of my mind, felt like something would happen to make this all go away. To make this all alright. But that is not going to happen. Not right now. There is a lot of pain to still come and I have to accept that. REALLY accept that.
We will survive and even be happy. But it is going to be a long time before things are truly alright. There is so much more to deal with and work through. I just hope I am strong enough. For my children's sake. I have to be. I have to accept my role in this, and fix in me what needs changing and then learn to forgive that in others that is not what I thought it would be. And do it while dealing with all of this and life in general. I have tried to push these thoughts back and just focus on Ryan and seeing her soon, but it is hard. It is hard to reconcile the life I have now to the life I had just 10 months ago. I am still so scare, confused, hurt, sad, and all kinds of other emotions. But I have my friends, family, children, and of course God, helping me get through this.
I just feel like I am emotionally retarded and should be over this by now.
When are you going to wake up?
When will this all end?
When are you going to put your children?
Before your little friend
When will you meet me in the middle?
When will you understand?
When will you be the person you were?
Instead of this heartless man
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