The Lord has told me what to do
He has made my path clear
I know that it will not be easy
But I know that He will be here
Looking inward is so hard
So is letting go
But He has promised me His grace
And victory over my foes
The path is clear, destination unknown
But I am firm in my stance
I will follow His light, live in His word
And I am grateful for that chance
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sex and Marriage
Lately I have been reading the bible a lot, specifically as it relates to marriage, love, divorce, SEX, etc...
I grew up in church and thought I know everything the bible had to say and boy was I wrong. Typically at church they tell you of the immoralities of sex before marriage, adultery, impure thoughts, etc....What they RARELY follow that up with is what God's will is for married couples.
1 Corinthians 7:3-111
Basically Paul is saying that within the bedroom a husband and wife are equals. (Paul is quite egalitarian) He is also teaching that married couples should have sex, it should be pleasurable, and it IS important to the relationship.
WHY DO THEY NOT PREACH ABOUT THIS? Do preachers and other church leaders have any idea how many married people still suffer from guilt when it relates to sex and marriage? I was one of those people. It is hard to be told your entire life that sex is wrong and then be expected to just drop that notion once you get married.
Matthew 19: 6 says
Basically, the Bible is very clear that marriage is sacred, permanent, and a union that God intends to last forever. He gives clear instructions how a wife should love her husband and how a husband should love his wife. I admit that during my marriage I did not adopt the servant attitude that I should. A husband IS the head of the household and should be treated with the respect that entails. In return, a Husband should love his wife has God loved the church. (And that is a lot)
It is God's will that in every marriage the husband and wife to love each other with a passion that continues to grow. I was easily distracted by this thought by work, kids, life, etc... but God's will is clear. We must become the husband/wife God has commanded us to be in the Scripture, and to apply every principle of behavior from the Word of God to your life. Without question, you will enjoy God's blessing and favor.
Again, as I have said in posts before, that I wish I had read, studied, and lived the words that I now know to be true. However, I have started practicing these things not because of my situation, goals, or dreams; but it was God has commanded me to do.
My hope is that someone reading this (if anyone does) is able to find a renewed vigor in their marriage and avoid the pitfalls and mistakes that I and many other people make. The path God wants us to take is clear. God does not promise it will be easy, but he does promise it will be worth it.
I grew up in church and thought I know everything the bible had to say and boy was I wrong. Typically at church they tell you of the immoralities of sex before marriage, adultery, impure thoughts, etc....What they RARELY follow that up with is what God's will is for married couples.
1 Corinthians 7:3-111
The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations.
The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward they should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control. This is only my suggestion. It's not meant to be an absolute rule….Now; I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else go back to him. And the husband must not leave his wife.
Basically Paul is saying that within the bedroom a husband and wife are equals. (Paul is quite egalitarian) He is also teaching that married couples should have sex, it should be pleasurable, and it IS important to the relationship.
WHY DO THEY NOT PREACH ABOUT THIS? Do preachers and other church leaders have any idea how many married people still suffer from guilt when it relates to sex and marriage? I was one of those people. It is hard to be told your entire life that sex is wrong and then be expected to just drop that notion once you get married.
Matthew 19: 6 says
So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.
Basically, the Bible is very clear that marriage is sacred, permanent, and a union that God intends to last forever. He gives clear instructions how a wife should love her husband and how a husband should love his wife. I admit that during my marriage I did not adopt the servant attitude that I should. A husband IS the head of the household and should be treated with the respect that entails. In return, a Husband should love his wife has God loved the church. (And that is a lot)
It is God's will that in every marriage the husband and wife to love each other with a passion that continues to grow. I was easily distracted by this thought by work, kids, life, etc... but God's will is clear. We must become the husband/wife God has commanded us to be in the Scripture, and to apply every principle of behavior from the Word of God to your life. Without question, you will enjoy God's blessing and favor.
Again, as I have said in posts before, that I wish I had read, studied, and lived the words that I now know to be true. However, I have started practicing these things not because of my situation, goals, or dreams; but it was God has commanded me to do.
My hope is that someone reading this (if anyone does) is able to find a renewed vigor in their marriage and avoid the pitfalls and mistakes that I and many other people make. The path God wants us to take is clear. God does not promise it will be easy, but he does promise it will be worth it.
Friday, February 18, 2011
My train of thought derailed….
I have never been one to be at a loss for words. I always have something to say and an opinion on everything, and I am not usually afraid to speak up for myself. But now I feel like I never know the right thing to say or do. I have so many emotions in my head telling me different things, and I am scared that I will make a wrong decision.
It also does not make it any easier when everything you say or do is being watched and judged, with people waiting for you to make a mistake so that they can pounce in and punish you for being human. I want to just be me. I want to say what I feel, love my children, and do what I think is best for them without regard to what others think, but that is no longer an option.
I feel like I am constantly being punished for someone else’s mistakes. I feel like I have been judged and ostracized for something I did not do. I know I am not always the easiest person to get along with and sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble. 99% of the time I am not trying to be mean; I just think I am a lot funnier than I am apparently :) But I do try. I care deeply. I love fully. I empathize with people to a fault.
Yes, I push the people around me. I know I may not do it in the most productive way, but my motives are pure. I just want everyone around me that I love and care about to be the best version of themselves possible. I want them to reach their dreams and realize their potential. I want the people I love to be happy.
I want to be the best mom to my children that I can be. It may not be your definition of what you think a great mom should be, but I will always follow my heart, and God, and do what I think is right for my children. They are my reason for breathing and I would die for them. But I also live for them. I let them know how much I care. I do the small things that go unnoticed by children, but they need. I provide them a stable and loving environment. I make sure there are clothes for them to wear, food for them to eat, and a social life for them to enjoy. I make sure they are at church every Sunday and say their prayers every day.
I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be, but I think I am pretty awesome, flaws and all. I just wish I could be comfortable with me again. I want to know me, be comfortable with who I am, and not care what others think. But right now I do care. I do hurt. I do wonder how some people can write me off so easily without a second glance, after years of knowing each other. People I called family and friends. I don’t understand that. I don’t know if I ever will. But I do know that I still love all of those people no matter what they think of me. And I love my kids more than anything. I will do ANYTHING to protect them and give them a good life. That is my main goal, and concern, and if people do not understand that, then there is nothing I can do about that.
All I can do is pray fervently and let God lead me. And one day maybe I will be able to tell the difference between my own wants and desires and what God is directing me to do. It is so hard for me to sit back and not make things change, and not make people understand, but I know that is all up to God now. All I can control is me and my behavior, and while I am scared, confused, hurt, and tired; I am also proud and confident in my decisions and behavior to this point. I know that I have followed God and tried to be a good example of how to act. I guess that is all I can ask for.
It also does not make it any easier when everything you say or do is being watched and judged, with people waiting for you to make a mistake so that they can pounce in and punish you for being human. I want to just be me. I want to say what I feel, love my children, and do what I think is best for them without regard to what others think, but that is no longer an option.
I feel like I am constantly being punished for someone else’s mistakes. I feel like I have been judged and ostracized for something I did not do. I know I am not always the easiest person to get along with and sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble. 99% of the time I am not trying to be mean; I just think I am a lot funnier than I am apparently :) But I do try. I care deeply. I love fully. I empathize with people to a fault.
Yes, I push the people around me. I know I may not do it in the most productive way, but my motives are pure. I just want everyone around me that I love and care about to be the best version of themselves possible. I want them to reach their dreams and realize their potential. I want the people I love to be happy.
I want to be the best mom to my children that I can be. It may not be your definition of what you think a great mom should be, but I will always follow my heart, and God, and do what I think is right for my children. They are my reason for breathing and I would die for them. But I also live for them. I let them know how much I care. I do the small things that go unnoticed by children, but they need. I provide them a stable and loving environment. I make sure there are clothes for them to wear, food for them to eat, and a social life for them to enjoy. I make sure they are at church every Sunday and say their prayers every day.
I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be, but I think I am pretty awesome, flaws and all. I just wish I could be comfortable with me again. I want to know me, be comfortable with who I am, and not care what others think. But right now I do care. I do hurt. I do wonder how some people can write me off so easily without a second glance, after years of knowing each other. People I called family and friends. I don’t understand that. I don’t know if I ever will. But I do know that I still love all of those people no matter what they think of me. And I love my kids more than anything. I will do ANYTHING to protect them and give them a good life. That is my main goal, and concern, and if people do not understand that, then there is nothing I can do about that.
All I can do is pray fervently and let God lead me. And one day maybe I will be able to tell the difference between my own wants and desires and what God is directing me to do. It is so hard for me to sit back and not make things change, and not make people understand, but I know that is all up to God now. All I can control is me and my behavior, and while I am scared, confused, hurt, and tired; I am also proud and confident in my decisions and behavior to this point. I know that I have followed God and tried to be a good example of how to act. I guess that is all I can ask for.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Pity Party
I would have loved you forever
If only I had had the chance
I would have followed your lead
If only you had asked me to dance
I would have made you happy
If only you had told me how
I would have made your dreams come true
But we’re stuck in a nightmare now
I would have trusted your every word
If only you hadn’t lied
We could have had a perfect life
If only you would have tried
If only I had had the chance
I would have followed your lead
If only you had asked me to dance
I would have made you happy
If only you had told me how
I would have made your dreams come true
But we’re stuck in a nightmare now
I would have trusted your every word
If only you hadn’t lied
We could have had a perfect life
If only you would have tried
Monday, February 14, 2011
Relationships
Church this Sunday was really powerful and really struck a chord with me. The series we are in now is called “Forces that Form Your Future”. We have covered the Force of Habit and this Sunday was the Force of Relationships. It was not just about “Romantic Relationships” but all relationships in your life. It really made me stop and think if I am the type of person I want to be in all of my relationships. (Especially my relationship with God)
Everything God does in your life will flow through the conduit of your relationships.
The Bible talks about having a “servant attitude” and I used to scoff at that statement. I would think “I am no one’s servant. I am a strong independent woman.” But listening to the service this Sunday, I think I finally got, for the first time, what that really meant. The Bible does not say for a woman to be a servant to her husband because she is less than him, but to show her respect and support. The Bible also says for the husband to love his wife as God loves the church. And when you value yourself enough, you have no problem with the servant attitude.
One thing my pastor said that hit home with me was “Every good deed is seed.” That means that you never know when that one good deed you did will be repaid to you or you will need some grace when you have fallen. I feel I spent so much of my life keeping tally against the wrong things people did to me or that I did to myself, that I missed out an opportunity to be the best “me” I could be.
I do not look back on any of this with regret, because that does no good, but more with hope for the future. I am excited to mend broken relationships with old friends, strengthen relationships with current friends and family, and one day, be the type of wife God called me to be. “(love)…keeps no record of wrongs.” I want to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, cousin, daughter, etc… that I can. I want to be the person who builds people up, not lets them down. I want to be a giver, not a taker.
Inner Keys to Great Relationships
1. Am I willing to Change?
“Change your life, not just your clothes. Come back to God, your God.” (Joel 2:13)
“So why does this people go backwards, and just keep on going-backwards? They stubbornly hold on to their illusions, refuse to change direction.” (Jeremiah 8:15)
Man, that statement above is powerful. How many times have we ourselves, or have we watched someone, make a bad decision, and then just keep going with it, refusing to be wrong, and turn around and come back to the good? We can be so stupid and stubborn.
2. Am I willing to play 2nd Fiddle?
“For even I, the Son of Man, came her not to be served, but to serve others, and to give my life as ransom for many.” (Matt 20:28)
And this next bible verse really hit home with me. I always talk about wanting to be the priority in someone’s life, but I felt it was owed to me, not that I had worked for it. But God says, “…Whoever wants to be the most important person must take the last place and be a servant to everyone else.” (Mark 9:35)
READ THAT AGAIN!!!! How many of us have ever truly had that mentality? I know I haven’t, and I know I won’t change overnight, but I am going to work on this.
3. Am I willing to let go of the past?
“…how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven? Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly, try seventy times seven” (Matt 18:21-22)
Forgiveness? I can do that. I have always found it easy to forgive, but forgetting is another story. I do not mean that you should completely forget about the wrongs of the past, we learn from them and grow from them, but we cannot let them continue to consume us or use it as leverage against someone way down the line.
Outer Keys to Great Relationships
1. I will nurture my important relationships
“So let us agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault.” (Romans 14:19)
This makes me think of times when I have said hurtful things out of anger, and regretted it immediately, but you cannot take words back. Or the times I neglected to call friends or support them because I had something else going on. I have nurtured my important relationships like I should. I have managed them, controlled them, but not nurtured.
2. I will restore my broken relationships
Now this is not always as easy as it sounds. What if the other person does not want to restore the relationship? Well there is nothing you can do about that, but you can always make it known that you are willing to make amends for the past, or offer forgiveness, or whatever it takes to right the wrongs, no matter who is at fault. So I want to say that I want to restore my broken relationships and make sure that they are fixed for the future. Things won’t ever be as they were, but maybe they can be better.
3. I will sever harmful relationships
“So leave the corruption and compromise; leave it for good. Don’t link up with those who will pollute you” (2 Cor 6:17)
It can really be hard to sever a harmful relationship. A lot of times because we have put so much effort into trying to make the relationship healthy, that we feel like failures by quitting. But we have to pray and think and determine if this relationship is a benefit to our lives.
4. I will reach for new meaningful relationships
“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead I have called you friend” (John 15:15)
I know starting new relationships can be hard. Whether it is dating, or making new friends, or whatever the case may be, it is hard to put yourself out there, but just think of all of the wonderful people out there that you could be missing out on.
I am not perfect, far from. I wish I had heard this sermon 7 years ago, but alas, I didn’t and I am where I am now. I have a wonderful group of friends and family and 3.5 of the most amazing kids ever. I am so blessed it is ridiculous. But now I feel I need to be a blessing to others. I need to reach out to build others up instead of putting them down to build myself up. All of this starts with having self worth, which I have always struggled with, but day by day I realize that I am worthy, because no matter what is said about me or done to me, nothing will change the fact that I am a child of God. That is just amazing.
So to all of the people out there I am in relationships, I hope I can build you up and serve you as the Lord served, and those in relationships that have been broken, I hope I can mend them and show you the power of Christ’s love in myself.
**Please ignore typos
Everything God does in your life will flow through the conduit of your relationships.
The Bible talks about having a “servant attitude” and I used to scoff at that statement. I would think “I am no one’s servant. I am a strong independent woman.” But listening to the service this Sunday, I think I finally got, for the first time, what that really meant. The Bible does not say for a woman to be a servant to her husband because she is less than him, but to show her respect and support. The Bible also says for the husband to love his wife as God loves the church. And when you value yourself enough, you have no problem with the servant attitude.
One thing my pastor said that hit home with me was “Every good deed is seed.” That means that you never know when that one good deed you did will be repaid to you or you will need some grace when you have fallen. I feel I spent so much of my life keeping tally against the wrong things people did to me or that I did to myself, that I missed out an opportunity to be the best “me” I could be.
I do not look back on any of this with regret, because that does no good, but more with hope for the future. I am excited to mend broken relationships with old friends, strengthen relationships with current friends and family, and one day, be the type of wife God called me to be. “(love)…keeps no record of wrongs.” I want to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, cousin, daughter, etc… that I can. I want to be the person who builds people up, not lets them down. I want to be a giver, not a taker.
Inner Keys to Great Relationships
1. Am I willing to Change?
“Change your life, not just your clothes. Come back to God, your God.” (Joel 2:13)
“So why does this people go backwards, and just keep on going-backwards? They stubbornly hold on to their illusions, refuse to change direction.” (Jeremiah 8:15)
Man, that statement above is powerful. How many times have we ourselves, or have we watched someone, make a bad decision, and then just keep going with it, refusing to be wrong, and turn around and come back to the good? We can be so stupid and stubborn.
2. Am I willing to play 2nd Fiddle?
“For even I, the Son of Man, came her not to be served, but to serve others, and to give my life as ransom for many.” (Matt 20:28)
And this next bible verse really hit home with me. I always talk about wanting to be the priority in someone’s life, but I felt it was owed to me, not that I had worked for it. But God says, “…Whoever wants to be the most important person must take the last place and be a servant to everyone else.” (Mark 9:35)
READ THAT AGAIN!!!! How many of us have ever truly had that mentality? I know I haven’t, and I know I won’t change overnight, but I am going to work on this.
3. Am I willing to let go of the past?
“…how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven? Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly, try seventy times seven” (Matt 18:21-22)
Forgiveness? I can do that. I have always found it easy to forgive, but forgetting is another story. I do not mean that you should completely forget about the wrongs of the past, we learn from them and grow from them, but we cannot let them continue to consume us or use it as leverage against someone way down the line.
Outer Keys to Great Relationships
1. I will nurture my important relationships
“So let us agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault.” (Romans 14:19)
This makes me think of times when I have said hurtful things out of anger, and regretted it immediately, but you cannot take words back. Or the times I neglected to call friends or support them because I had something else going on. I have nurtured my important relationships like I should. I have managed them, controlled them, but not nurtured.
2. I will restore my broken relationships
Now this is not always as easy as it sounds. What if the other person does not want to restore the relationship? Well there is nothing you can do about that, but you can always make it known that you are willing to make amends for the past, or offer forgiveness, or whatever it takes to right the wrongs, no matter who is at fault. So I want to say that I want to restore my broken relationships and make sure that they are fixed for the future. Things won’t ever be as they were, but maybe they can be better.
3. I will sever harmful relationships
“So leave the corruption and compromise; leave it for good. Don’t link up with those who will pollute you” (2 Cor 6:17)
It can really be hard to sever a harmful relationship. A lot of times because we have put so much effort into trying to make the relationship healthy, that we feel like failures by quitting. But we have to pray and think and determine if this relationship is a benefit to our lives.
4. I will reach for new meaningful relationships
“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead I have called you friend” (John 15:15)
I know starting new relationships can be hard. Whether it is dating, or making new friends, or whatever the case may be, it is hard to put yourself out there, but just think of all of the wonderful people out there that you could be missing out on.
I am not perfect, far from. I wish I had heard this sermon 7 years ago, but alas, I didn’t and I am where I am now. I have a wonderful group of friends and family and 3.5 of the most amazing kids ever. I am so blessed it is ridiculous. But now I feel I need to be a blessing to others. I need to reach out to build others up instead of putting them down to build myself up. All of this starts with having self worth, which I have always struggled with, but day by day I realize that I am worthy, because no matter what is said about me or done to me, nothing will change the fact that I am a child of God. That is just amazing.
So to all of the people out there I am in relationships, I hope I can build you up and serve you as the Lord served, and those in relationships that have been broken, I hope I can mend them and show you the power of Christ’s love in myself.
**Please ignore typos
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Love this song and this movie
It’s a secret no one tells;
One day it’s heaven, one day it’s hell.
It’s no fairy tale;
Take it from me,
That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all…
You’re on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes…
One day it’s heaven, one day it’s hell.
It’s no fairy tale;
Take it from me,
That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all…
You’re on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes…
Monday, February 7, 2011
I miss the "you" you used to be
I don’t know who this man is who is inhabiting your body, but I know that it’s not you — the you that I married. The you that I loved — that I still love. I told you I don’t love you anymore. I don’t love the “you” you are now. I don’t love the “you” who lied, cheated, used, and betrayed me. The “you” who is so cold and mean to me. I don’t know what happened to you — the real you. As angry as I am, and as much as I am accepting that this marriage is over, I know that this person, this monster, can’t be the real you. I’m having a very hard time because while I’m angry at this new you, I’m grieving the loss of the old you. And it’s a concept that not many people can understand.
You were always the one I turned to when I was upset. The one who comforted me and told me everything would be ok. The one who would hold me until I stopped crying. The one who would wipe my tears away. Now I have no one to comfort and console me. No one is going to hold me and wipe my tears. I would do the same for you. I wanted to be your support, the person you relied on. I tried, really tried to make you happy. I am sorry I failed, but I do not regret a moment, because I had a happy life and a happy marriage until the last few months.
As angry as I am at you, and as much as the sight of you makes me ill, I still want the old you to comfort me and assure me that I will make it through this. That we will make it through this, just like we made it through so many other hardships and disappointments. Together. As a team. Even though the outcome of this game is divorce, I still even wish that was something we did together.
I miss the man who held my hand and looked into my eyes and smiled as we watched our children laugh and play. The man who laughed a lot and often and was always smiling. I cannot remember the last time that I saw your smile. I miss it. I miss the way you could always make me smile, but now all I do is cry.
Make no mistake that I heard you when you said you did not love me and was not sure you ever did. I heard you. I don't believe you but I heard you. And I know that our marriage is over. Not only because you cheated and walked out, but because of everything that has happened since then. I can never really truly trust you again, and that makes me sad, because I trusted you with everything I had for 12 years.
Remember my nightmares that you would do something bad to me? In them you would turn into a monster or abandon me or cheat on me. I used to wake up mad at you, and you’d be upset with me for even having these dreams. You used to feel horrible that I could even imagine such a thing in my dreams. Now the nightmare has come true. And I can’t wake up.
You were always the one I turned to when I was upset. The one who comforted me and told me everything would be ok. The one who would hold me until I stopped crying. The one who would wipe my tears away. Now I have no one to comfort and console me. No one is going to hold me and wipe my tears. I would do the same for you. I wanted to be your support, the person you relied on. I tried, really tried to make you happy. I am sorry I failed, but I do not regret a moment, because I had a happy life and a happy marriage until the last few months.
As angry as I am at you, and as much as the sight of you makes me ill, I still want the old you to comfort me and assure me that I will make it through this. That we will make it through this, just like we made it through so many other hardships and disappointments. Together. As a team. Even though the outcome of this game is divorce, I still even wish that was something we did together.
I miss the man who held my hand and looked into my eyes and smiled as we watched our children laugh and play. The man who laughed a lot and often and was always smiling. I cannot remember the last time that I saw your smile. I miss it. I miss the way you could always make me smile, but now all I do is cry.
Make no mistake that I heard you when you said you did not love me and was not sure you ever did. I heard you. I don't believe you but I heard you. And I know that our marriage is over. Not only because you cheated and walked out, but because of everything that has happened since then. I can never really truly trust you again, and that makes me sad, because I trusted you with everything I had for 12 years.
Remember my nightmares that you would do something bad to me? In them you would turn into a monster or abandon me or cheat on me. I used to wake up mad at you, and you’d be upset with me for even having these dreams. You used to feel horrible that I could even imagine such a thing in my dreams. Now the nightmare has come true. And I can’t wake up.
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