My train of thought derailed….

I have never been one to be at a loss for words. I always have something to say and an opinion on everything, and I am not usually afraid to speak up for myself. But now I feel like I never know the right thing to say or do. I have so many emotions in my head telling me different things, and I am scared that I will make a wrong decision.


It also does not make it any easier when everything you say or do is being watched and judged, with people waiting for you to make a mistake so that they can pounce in and punish you for being human. I want to just be me. I want to say what I feel, love my children, and do what I think is best for them without regard to what others think, but that is no longer an option.

I feel like I am constantly being punished for someone else’s mistakes. I feel like I have been judged and ostracized for something I did not do. I know I am not always the easiest person to get along with and sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble. 99% of the time I am not trying to be mean; I just think I am a lot funnier than I am apparently :) But I do try. I care deeply. I love fully. I empathize with people to a fault.

Yes, I push the people around me. I know I may not do it in the most productive way, but my motives are pure. I just want everyone around me that I love and care about to be the best version of themselves possible. I want them to reach their dreams and realize their potential. I want the people I love to be happy.

I want to be the best mom to my children that I can be. It may not be your definition of what you think a great mom should be, but I will always follow my heart, and God, and do what I think is right for my children. They are my reason for breathing and I would die for them. But I also live for them. I let them know how much I care. I do the small things that go unnoticed by children, but they need. I provide them a stable and loving environment. I make sure there are clothes for them to wear, food for them to eat, and a social life for them to enjoy. I make sure they are at church every Sunday and say their prayers every day.

I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be, but I think I am pretty awesome, flaws and all. I just wish I could be comfortable with me again. I want to know me, be comfortable with who I am, and not care what others think. But right now I do care. I do hurt. I do wonder how some people can write me off so easily without a second glance, after years of knowing each other. People I called family and friends. I don’t understand that. I don’t know if I ever will. But I do know that I still love all of those people no matter what they think of me. And I love my kids more than anything. I will do ANYTHING to protect them and give them a good life. That is my main goal, and concern, and if people do not understand that, then there is nothing I can do about that.

All I can do is pray fervently and let God lead me. And one day maybe I will be able to tell the difference between my own wants and desires and what God is directing me to do. It is so hard for me to sit back and not make things change, and not make people understand, but I know that is all up to God now. All I can control is me and my behavior, and while I am scared, confused, hurt, and tired; I am also proud and confident in my decisions and behavior to this point. I know that I have followed God and tried to be a good example of how to act. I guess that is all I can ask for.