I miss the "you" you used to be

I don’t know who this man is who is inhabiting your body, but I know that it’s not you — the you that I married. The you that I loved — that I still love. I told you I don’t love you anymore. I don’t love the “you” you are now. I don’t love the “you” who lied, cheated, used, and betrayed me. The “you” who is so cold and mean to me. I don’t know what happened to you — the real you. As angry as I am, and as much as I am accepting that this marriage is over, I know that this person, this monster, can’t be the real you. I’m having a very hard time because while I’m angry at this new you, I’m grieving the loss of the old you. And it’s a concept that not many people can understand.
You were always the one I turned to when I was upset. The one who comforted me and told me everything would be ok. The one who would hold me until I stopped crying. The one who would wipe my tears away. Now I have no one to comfort and console me. No one is going to hold me and wipe my tears. I would do the same for you.  I wanted to be your support, the person you relied on.  I tried, really tried to make you happy.  I am sorry I failed, but I do not regret a moment, because I had a happy life and a happy marriage until the last few months.

As angry as I am at you, and as much as the sight of you makes me ill, I still want the old you to comfort me and assure me that I will make it through this. That we will make it through this, just like we made it through so many other hardships and disappointments. Together. As a team.  Even though the outcome of this game is divorce, I still even wish that was something we did together.

I miss the man who held my hand and looked into my eyes and smiled as we watched our children laugh and play.  The man who laughed a lot and often and was always smiling.  I cannot remember the last time that I saw your smile.  I miss it.  I miss the way you could always make me smile, but now all I do is cry.

Make no mistake that I heard you when you said you did not love me and was not sure you ever did.  I heard you.  I don't believe you but I heard you.  And I know that our marriage is over.  Not only because you cheated and walked out, but because of everything that has happened since then.  I can never really truly trust you again, and that makes me sad, because I trusted you with everything I had for 12 years.

Remember my nightmares that you would do something bad to me? In them you would turn into a monster or abandon me or cheat on me. I used to wake up mad at you, and you’d be upset with me for even having these dreams. You used to feel horrible that I could even imagine such a thing in my dreams. Now the nightmare has come true. And I can’t wake up.