Trading my Sorrows

I am pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed

I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure

And his joy's going to be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning

 These words are so powerful.  I am not perfect.  I have moments of pain, self doubt, anger, grief, denial, and every other emotion in the world, but I always come back to Him and His promise.  I am pressed with all of the things that have been happening to me, but I am not crushed. I have been struck down but I am not destroyed. I am blessed beyong the curse.   I still have my children, my family, my friends, my job, my home, the list goes on!  So I don't have my husband, and I lost him in a horrific way (IMO), but time will heal those wounds.  (I hope!) I may not have my "partner" but my children still have their father, just in a different capacity.  And my children are what is important.  I am a big girl.  I will move on, grow stronger, live, learn, blah blah blah cliche cliche cliche, but my children need the stability and the presence of their father.  And I am confident that sooner or later, in one way or another, that they will have that. So what is there to be sad about? Really not much.  This situation sucks.  BAD.  But life is not fair.  God never promised life would be fair, He promised it would be worth it, and if you follow His word, you will be in His favor.  I am ok with that.

Now, there will be a time when I am sure I get angry.  I imagine coming home alone from the hospital with Ryan will open up old wounds.  And I am sure the first night I get together with my girls and a bottle of wine, I will do/say things that I probably won't blog about, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.  I have been too blessed in my life to let this derail me.  I am a mom, I do not have that option.  So I will have a big cup of Tiger Blood from Charlie Sheen, and I will be WINNING too.

***Note*** "home" is wherever I am with my boys and may change.  The roof over my head today, may not be the roof over my head tomorrow, but I am ok with that, because I know there will be a roof.

Excuse me while I bask in my awesomeness

So I know I have only been going through hell having to rearrange my life for a short time, but I have learned so much about myself during this time, and I have learned to do so many things that I have never really done before (Although some of them are things I should have been doing.)


It is not like I have developed super powers or found a cure for cancer or anything, but I have learned to take care of myself, and that I am one stubborn strong woman. I have learned that some of my traits that I possess, that I was made to believe were faults, are actually positive things that have helped me through this. I like to plan things. I am a planner. Ask anyone who knows me. I am not a “fly by the seat of pants” type of person. I like to be able to schedule my life. I can be a little anal retentive overboard on this sometimes. I do not like it when people say they will do something at a certain time and don’t. I try my best to keep my word and I expect others to do the same. Now, I know that sometimes things happen, and the best laid plans fall through (just look at my life-ha), and I need to be a little more flexible in that area, but I think my planning is a great quality. I certainly could not be the mother or employee that I am without that skill set.

I have been reminded that people ARE inherently good. Some people may lose their way, but for every person like that in my life; there are 30 more who have only good intentions. I have an amazing support group around me. AMAZING. While there are a lot of things up in the air in my life right now, I take comfort in knowing I am not alone. I will never go hungry, not have a roof over my head, clothing for my boys, or any of the basic necessities in life. (And thanks to a few special people, some of the non-necessities that make me feel better like highlights and manicures) My children will never lack love and attention. I do not know there are children in the world that are loved more than mine.

I have learned that a good lawyer is worth the money, but even when you have a small victory, the fact that you have to have a lawyer is still sad. No matter what the outcome of dealings with my lawyer, I still have to fight a war I did not sign up for. I was drafted into a “Battle of Suck” and well…it sucks.

I have learned that our God is an awesome God. While I am devastated bewildered confused upset, and tend to teeter back and forth on my emotions (give me a break-I am pregnant) I know that God has something amazing in store for me and my children. I KNOW THIS. It still hurts right now, and there will be more hurt, but it does hurt a little less every day. Every day I learn something new and positive about myself, and see some things for what they are, and not the romanticized memories I have.

Other things I have learned are more practical, day to day things, that most of you probably have been doing since you were teens, but I have been content to have someone else handle these things for me….

Until Now…

I can pay my bills (with my own checking account!!!). I know how to contact all of the people I owe money to, when the money is due, and what my grace period is on being late (Hey, I am nothing if not practical). I also learned the art of negotiation. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but a little “woe is me, stick out the pregnant belly” goes a long way in getting your bill reduced! (Bonus points if you can produce real tears….I’m just sayin)

I can change my oil. Ok well not me personally, but I can take it to be changed and actually have it done when it is supposed to be done!

When small things break, I can fix them. I have hammered, screwed (hee hee) and taped stuff back to working functioning order.

I learned how to operate my thermostat. It was previously on my list of things in the house not to touch, and I was fine with that. But now it is my job and I like it.

I learned that I like knowing things are mine. I have cleaned out closets, drawers, storage containers and gotten my life organized. And not to sound selfish, but I like knowing that these things are mine. I am responsible for their well-being and upkeep. I like that responsibility. I would rather be responsible for everything on my own, than to think I am sharing the responsibility with someone else, who never rarely follows through.

I learned that my life is not all that different now. Of course there are a lot of changes. I am no longer a “we”. I have been a “we” since I was 16. Since I was 16 there is probably only a cumulative time of 8 months that I was an “I” and not a “we” (in a romantic sense). I have a lot of emotions now to work through, and sometimes I miss having a sounding board for household decisions. I have A LOT less money, but I did not have a lot to begin with so that is ok. But the practical, day to day of my life, not so different. I still take care of my children, pack lunches, review homework, read books, tuck in, cook dinner, schedule doctor’s appointments, clean, do laundry, say prayers, take to church, and plenty of other things that I was doing already, and most of it, I was doing alone. Not to say that I was/am perfect or that my STBE (soon to be ex) did not contribute, but I did a lot more than I gave myself credit for.

::Sigh::

So I guess I will quit tooting my own horn now, but I just think that for every negative thing in life, there are so many more positives, and I just have to focus on that. I have 3 amazing children, one more on the way, and all the necessities in life, and I will be ok. I AM ok. My family is ok. Is it hard? Hell yeah Sure! Is it the life I had planned for myself? Hell No No. But I believe it is the life God had planned for me, and that if anyone can do this, I can. I was raised right. I am a good person. I care deeply about those around me, and I pray fervently for the redemption of others. I am also moody and blunt, but you take the good, you take the bad, right?!?!

Answers

At church Sunday I decided to turn it all over to God. That I would just go about my life, try to be a good person, and let Him work in my life how he saw fit. I truly believe that is what I need to do, and that is what I am doing. What it doesn’t stop are the tears from falling and the pain in my heart. It does not stop the hurt of what we have lost.


I just wish I understood. I wish he could tell my why he stopped loving me. What did I do? How was being married to me so horrible that he would walk out on us when I was pregnant. How I was so unworthy of him that he would do this to our children. How could he hate me so much when I was still so in love with him.

How now can he look at me like I am a stranger? And never ask about our unborn child or ask to feel her kick. He has never asked if I have a plan on how I am going to support myself and the children once he is gone.

I know he is divorcing me. He does not want to be married to me. I heard it every damn time he said it, but it still does not make sense. How was life so miserable? After 12 years, how could he be so cold? If that is truly how he felt, but he wished he wasn’t, then when I cry, how come he can’t hold my hand and tell me he is sorry. Why can’t he hold me? 12 years of doing everything together. 4 kids, and I cannot even get a handshake.

So I don’t get it and I guess that is the hardest part. I cannot heal all the other hurts because I don’t know where to begin, because I don’t know why it ended. And if I try to ask these questions, I get the run around and hurt more. Don’t I deserve answers? If nothing else don’t I deserve that?

When, does this get better? When do I get to smile again? When will I feel joy? When will my life hold any happiness? When will I be able to sleep at night? When will I be able to wake up without this weight on my chest and this pain in my stomach?

Why, even though I did not do anything wrong, am I the one who suffers so much. How is that fair? Sure, I was not a perfect wife, but I tried. I was faithful, and loved him with everything I had. Why am I the one going through a pregnancy without the love and support of her husband? Why am I the one with the weight of the world on her shoulders? Why am I the only one who cares about the greater good? Why am I so stupid to still need you to justify my existence.  Why am I not glad you walked away after everything you did? Where is the man I married and that I was so madly in love with? The man who would never walk out on his family for an 18 year old child.  The man who would do anything for his children and wife? Answer me.

What will you say down the road

When your children find out the truth

And they know the reason you walked away

And abandoned them in their youth

How do you think that will make them feel

And the pain it will amass

When you have to look them in the eye

And say you left them for a piece of ass

What will you say when they look at you

And beg to know "Daddy, why?"

I know you say you did not love Mommy

But weren't we worth it to try

You see that is the pill that is hardest to swallow

That you could not even be a man

And try to save what once you had wanted

Instead of walking out without a plan

I do not have to tell them these things

One day they will do the math

And want to know why you left their pregnant mom

To follow an immoral path

One day they will see it all

And know how you left them for another kid

Because that is what she is to the world

Despite the grown-up things she did

Day 1

I have the most amazing children.  They are all so special and unique.  My sweet Dalton.  Always pushing the limits, testing boundaries, and causing trouble.  He is also tells me several times a day how much he loves me and wakes me up with kisses every morning.
And then there is my brave Dillon.  Always happy, always wearing a smile, and always looking out for those younger than him.  He asks me every day how Ryan is doing and hugs me and asks if he can help with anything. 
Then my sensitive Dakota.  He is so smart.  And although the recent events have affected him the hardest, he still puts on a smile.  He told me he was going to choose to be happy, because he does not like how sad feels.  He is only 7 and already so wise.  And he is also so concerned with his mommy and baby sister.
Last night he crawled into bed with me and put his arms around me and said "Mommy I am sorry you and daddy broke up."  And I told him I was sorry too but we would be ok.  He then said "But mommy, who is going to take care of you? Aren't you scared that when you have Ryan you will need some help? Who is going to make sure you are happy?"  I was overwhelmed by his concern and caring.  I told him that I was the adult and that I would always take care of him and his siblings, and he did not need to worry about me.  He just needs to worry about being a kid.  I told him that mommy had a great support group of people to help if needed, and that daddy would still help with Ryan.
He asked if he was the man of the house now.  I told him that our house did not have to have a man, and mommy would bring home the bacon and fry it up too.  I said he was only 7 and needs to act 7 and not have to worry about being the man of the house. 
I guess I just want to say how amazing my kids are.  Sure they cause a lot of trouble, they are boys, but they also are the happiest kids you will ever meet, and they are very protective of their mom.  I could not be anymore blessed.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that when I start to get sad.  This is hard.  It hurts like hell.  I am mad.  Sad.  Confused. Scared.  But I am also so blessed and filled with so much hope for our futures.  This is not the life I had planned for myself, but I know it is the life God had planned for me, so how can I argue with that?  They say time heals all wounds.  I am still waiting and praying. 

Moments in life

There are moments in life we will always remember. Most of them happy times. Our first love, our first kiss, our first homerun. The day we graduate from college, get married, and have children, are all wonderful memories. Then there are those memories that we will carry with us that leave us sad. For some it is the death of a family member, the loss of a friend, or perhaps where you were when you first heard of the plane crash on 9/11.


Those are all memories I have experienced and remember with such clarity. I remember the sounds, smells, sights, feelings, and surroundings of all those times, happy and sad. I have learned valuable lessons from all of it and am thankful for the memories.

Today, March 27, 2011, I had to add another moment that will be frozen in my memory forever, and I don't know that there will ever be a time that I can look back on this moment without tears.

This afternoon at 3:18 p.m., I had to tell my children that I am getting divorced. I had to look in my oldest son’s eyes as they filled with tears and he begged his father not to leave. I had to choke back my own tears and smile, telling them how this is just a new adventure in our lives, and while there will be changes, they won’t all be bad. I had to pretend that my heart was not breaking into a million pieces for the pain they were feeling and for my own loss.

I had to lie and act as if this was a joint decision made with a lot of consideration and thought, and not what it really was: a unilateral decision made on a whim and secured with denial. I KNOW that we will move forward and be ok. I know that the Lord has wonderful things in store for me and my children, and I pray that He will heal ALL of those involved. I know that one day, I will realize how much strength, knowledge, courage, love, and faith we developed in this, and that there are better things on the other side of this mountain. I believe that as sure as I am typing this. But knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel does not help with the heartache here in the darkness.

We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful support group of family and friends around us and we will triumph. There are still plenty of hard times ahead as we adjust to the new lifestyle, bring a new life into the world, and then deal with the finality of the actual divorce. (what an ugly word that is-it makes me sick to see it, hear it, type it) I still have to pray continuously to rid my head of the angry thoughts and the pain. I have to remind myself that it is not up to me to see that people suffer for their actions, and all I can control is myself.

I still have many tears to shed. Tears for what we had, what we lost, what was taken from us, and what we will never know. But mostly I cry for the betrayal. I cry because I am disappointed, not because I cannot live without him. I cry because something I was so sure of, was nothing at all what it seemed. And it may sound petty, but it is hard to find out how little you meant to someone, who meant the world to you.

I am not writing this to place blame, bad mouth, or any other type of negativity. Just to express my feelings, the joy and the pain, and maybe reach out to someone else who is going through the same thing, or has gone through the same thing, and of course, because prayers are powerful. As always, I request that everyone that reads this says a prayer for my family and I, and I pray that all of you reading this know the power of God’s love and have a peace that passes understanding.

March 27, 5:45 p.m., I shed my last tear of the day, and enjoy the many blessings I have. Life is too short to not make the little things count.

To My Children

To my children:


I want you to know that mommy loves you so much. You are the reason I wake up in the mornings and you have made my life complete. I would not change one single thing about you. I am sorry for the hurt that you are about to experience. I wish I could take all of your pain. I wish there was something I could do to keep out family as it is, but I can't. But this is not your fault. Mommy did not make daddy happy even though she tried so very hard.

Sometimes grown-ups do dumb things, but it does not mean we don’t love you. I want you to know that I have tried so very very hard to stop this from happening. That I have endured tremendous pain to try to spare you from this hurt. If there was anything I could have done that made this outcome different, I would have done it. I would have done anything to protect you.  But my efforts apparently came too late.

I will always do my best to protect you and to love you. To let you know that you are loved and special. I know your daddy will do that too. I know there will be times you miss your daddy. I will miss him too. But know that this was nothing we could control, and it had nothing to do with you. I hope one day you understand that you are not to blame for any of this, and if you need someone to blame, then you can blame me. I will take the pain and blame if it makes you happy.

I hope you have the best life possible, and I am sorry I cannot give you more. I wanted nothing more than to grow old with your father and to give you an amazing life. It kills me to think that you may have no memories of us together as a family, and that this beautiful baby girl growing inside me, will never have the chance to experience life with both of her parents together.  I am sorry that you won't have that now, but know that it was not from a lack of trying. But your daddy and I will always be there for you no matter what, even if we are not living in the same house.

Don't be scared about any of this, because we will be ok. We have each other and that is more than most have. We will make sure that no matter what else is going on around us, that our home is always filled with love and laughter. That is something I can give to you that no one can take away. 


I want you to know that whatever emotions you feel, it is ok.  You are going to be hurt, angry, sad, and confused.  I pray that you turn those feelings over to God and trust in Him to lead you through.  I pray that you lean on me and your dad for support, and the rest of your family.  I pray that you can smile through the pain, and go on and live life to become the best "you" possible and be happy.  That is all I want for you, happiness. 


I love you,

Mommy

I remember

I remember the day I first saw you
I remember our first kiss
I remember the first morning I woke in your arms
Those are the memories I will miss

I remember the day we got married
I remember when we bought our first home
I remember when we graduated from college
And started to make a life of our own

I remember the birth of our first child
I remember the birth of the second and third
I remember how we you used to make me compete
With those three little words

I remember the first night you didn’t come home
I remember the look in your eyes
I remember the days when your touches were cold
Those memories echo in my cries

I remember the look on her face
when I walked through that door
I remember how you blamed me
That is a pain I cannot ignore

I remember begging and pleading
I remember trying to fight
I remember how I pledged my love
How my world fell apart overnight

To Her

I think of you every day
They are images I’d rather not see
You entangled in the arms of the man I love
I can’t help but think that should have been me
I wonder if I ever cross your mind
Do you think of me and the kids?
Do you care about the pain I suffer
Are you sorry for what you did?
When I woke that December morning
If I only I knew the secrets that I would unfurl
That the perfect life that I thought I had
Was being destroyed by a young girl
I pray for you through tear filled eyes
When I talk to God at night
I pray you never experience the pain you caused me
Although sometimes my thoughts drift to spite
I think of you when I hear Taylor Swift
I can’t stomach Jason Aldean
I hear my kids singing the songs that you gave him
And the words sound so obscene
I still have your dangly earrings
That you left in his truck
I look at them every day to remind me
But I still find myself dumbstruck
You didn’t care how you would hurt me
Or what this would do to my sons
You worried only about getting laid
And having a little fun
I think of you every day
You’re the last image I see when I close my eyes
You’re in every tear that rolls down my face
I will hear you in my children’s cries

Moving On

The past is painful, but my future is bright
And I know we will make it through
My children give me the strength to fight
And to my own self be true


The road is long, and it will be tough
But we will show it we are tougher
Because you haven’t seen strong and independent
Until you have gone toe to toe with a single mother


I will bring home the bacon, and fry it up too
I will clean up the messes, I will kiss the boo-boos
I will laugh when they laugh, hold them when they cry
I will help them say their prayers and tuck them in at night.


And one day far from now
My heart will open up again
I will find a man that makes us feel good
And I will let him in


He will become a part of our lives
And us a part of his
He will be there to offer the man’s point of view
And show us what love really is

It could be worse

We have all been there.  Dealing with personal struggles, you try to confide in a friend/family member and their response is "Well, it could be worse" or "There are people worse off than you".  Well, duh.  There is always someone going through something worse, but that does not make my particular battle any less serious to me.
No, I did not lose my home to a tsunami, I have a job, and I am not dying of a terminal disease. But sometimes there are things that are crappy none-the-less.  It is not a competition on who has a crappier life.  There is no award for being the Queen of Suck.  So, really, is it helpful to remind someone that there are others that have it worse?
Telling someone to suck it up is not an attempt to make them feel better.  It is a dick move.  What you are really saying is "Your feelings are not important and I am superior to you."  I know that there are people out there that complain over every little thing and it gets annoying, but those little things are meaningful to them.  If it annoys you, then stop talking to that person. 
It is especially bad when the "It could be worse" person is comparing your life to their life.  How about you just lend an ear, and then I would be glad to do the same for you, but do not trivialize what I am going through by trying to compare it to your life.  There is no trophy for going through a shitty time.  No one wins.   So be a friend a be supportive.  On the other side, people need to stop bitching so much.  There are times when bitching is necessary, deserved, and cathartic, but if you spend your entire life hosting a pity party for yourself, you are closing yourself off to the wonderful things life has to offer.