Moments in life

There are moments in life we will always remember. Most of them happy times. Our first love, our first kiss, our first homerun. The day we graduate from college, get married, and have children, are all wonderful memories. Then there are those memories that we will carry with us that leave us sad. For some it is the death of a family member, the loss of a friend, or perhaps where you were when you first heard of the plane crash on 9/11.


Those are all memories I have experienced and remember with such clarity. I remember the sounds, smells, sights, feelings, and surroundings of all those times, happy and sad. I have learned valuable lessons from all of it and am thankful for the memories.

Today, March 27, 2011, I had to add another moment that will be frozen in my memory forever, and I don't know that there will ever be a time that I can look back on this moment without tears.

This afternoon at 3:18 p.m., I had to tell my children that I am getting divorced. I had to look in my oldest son’s eyes as they filled with tears and he begged his father not to leave. I had to choke back my own tears and smile, telling them how this is just a new adventure in our lives, and while there will be changes, they won’t all be bad. I had to pretend that my heart was not breaking into a million pieces for the pain they were feeling and for my own loss.

I had to lie and act as if this was a joint decision made with a lot of consideration and thought, and not what it really was: a unilateral decision made on a whim and secured with denial. I KNOW that we will move forward and be ok. I know that the Lord has wonderful things in store for me and my children, and I pray that He will heal ALL of those involved. I know that one day, I will realize how much strength, knowledge, courage, love, and faith we developed in this, and that there are better things on the other side of this mountain. I believe that as sure as I am typing this. But knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel does not help with the heartache here in the darkness.

We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful support group of family and friends around us and we will triumph. There are still plenty of hard times ahead as we adjust to the new lifestyle, bring a new life into the world, and then deal with the finality of the actual divorce. (what an ugly word that is-it makes me sick to see it, hear it, type it) I still have to pray continuously to rid my head of the angry thoughts and the pain. I have to remind myself that it is not up to me to see that people suffer for their actions, and all I can control is myself.

I still have many tears to shed. Tears for what we had, what we lost, what was taken from us, and what we will never know. But mostly I cry for the betrayal. I cry because I am disappointed, not because I cannot live without him. I cry because something I was so sure of, was nothing at all what it seemed. And it may sound petty, but it is hard to find out how little you meant to someone, who meant the world to you.

I am not writing this to place blame, bad mouth, or any other type of negativity. Just to express my feelings, the joy and the pain, and maybe reach out to someone else who is going through the same thing, or has gone through the same thing, and of course, because prayers are powerful. As always, I request that everyone that reads this says a prayer for my family and I, and I pray that all of you reading this know the power of God’s love and have a peace that passes understanding.

March 27, 5:45 p.m., I shed my last tear of the day, and enjoy the many blessings I have. Life is too short to not make the little things count.