Answers

At church Sunday I decided to turn it all over to God. That I would just go about my life, try to be a good person, and let Him work in my life how he saw fit. I truly believe that is what I need to do, and that is what I am doing. What it doesn’t stop are the tears from falling and the pain in my heart. It does not stop the hurt of what we have lost.


I just wish I understood. I wish he could tell my why he stopped loving me. What did I do? How was being married to me so horrible that he would walk out on us when I was pregnant. How I was so unworthy of him that he would do this to our children. How could he hate me so much when I was still so in love with him.

How now can he look at me like I am a stranger? And never ask about our unborn child or ask to feel her kick. He has never asked if I have a plan on how I am going to support myself and the children once he is gone.

I know he is divorcing me. He does not want to be married to me. I heard it every damn time he said it, but it still does not make sense. How was life so miserable? After 12 years, how could he be so cold? If that is truly how he felt, but he wished he wasn’t, then when I cry, how come he can’t hold my hand and tell me he is sorry. Why can’t he hold me? 12 years of doing everything together. 4 kids, and I cannot even get a handshake.

So I don’t get it and I guess that is the hardest part. I cannot heal all the other hurts because I don’t know where to begin, because I don’t know why it ended. And if I try to ask these questions, I get the run around and hurt more. Don’t I deserve answers? If nothing else don’t I deserve that?

When, does this get better? When do I get to smile again? When will I feel joy? When will my life hold any happiness? When will I be able to sleep at night? When will I be able to wake up without this weight on my chest and this pain in my stomach?

Why, even though I did not do anything wrong, am I the one who suffers so much. How is that fair? Sure, I was not a perfect wife, but I tried. I was faithful, and loved him with everything I had. Why am I the one going through a pregnancy without the love and support of her husband? Why am I the one with the weight of the world on her shoulders? Why am I the only one who cares about the greater good? Why am I so stupid to still need you to justify my existence.  Why am I not glad you walked away after everything you did? Where is the man I married and that I was so madly in love with? The man who would never walk out on his family for an 18 year old child.  The man who would do anything for his children and wife? Answer me.

What will you say down the road

When your children find out the truth

And they know the reason you walked away

And abandoned them in their youth

How do you think that will make them feel

And the pain it will amass

When you have to look them in the eye

And say you left them for a piece of ass

What will you say when they look at you

And beg to know "Daddy, why?"

I know you say you did not love Mommy

But weren't we worth it to try

You see that is the pill that is hardest to swallow

That you could not even be a man

And try to save what once you had wanted

Instead of walking out without a plan

I do not have to tell them these things

One day they will do the math

And want to know why you left their pregnant mom

To follow an immoral path

One day they will see it all

And know how you left them for another kid

Because that is what she is to the world

Despite the grown-up things she did