I feel the need, the need to breed

OK, so I have been thinking about my life, and trying to find some humor and/or irony, and there is a lot to look at and smile.
The first is, I never thought of having kids and I am now pregnant with my 4th.  Yes I know how it happens, no they are not all planned, but they are all the biggest blessings in my life.  I guess birth control was never a huge deal when I was with a committed, loving man who wanted to be a good father.  But never the less it was always a joke among friends and family that I should really stop procreating, since admittedly, I am not the best at being pregnant. (However, on the flip side, I am a total bad ass at the actual delivery)
And when I got pregnant this time, I was already suspicious that something was not right in my marriage, and actually the day after I told my husband I was pregnant, he told me he no longer loved me.  From that point on, my pain and confusion accompanied me everywhere.  However, I did not share my fears with many.  So the responses I got to my pregnancy ranged from shock, disappointment, and excitement. 
What is ironic are those who were not all aboard the baby train at first, but give them the ol' "My husband has been doing the horizontal polka with a teenager" and all of the sudden this baby is God's miracle for me.
First of all let me say that this baby is definitely a miracle for me.  Not only am I getting the daughter I never thought I would have, but having this baby growing inside me during this trying time, has given me an inner peace and sense of calming that otherwise I would not have.  Also, due to the fact that my eggo is preggo, I have not had a drink since all of this came about.  Who knows what I would have done had I been able to turn Sutter Home instead of God.  Actually, I know what I would have done, and it would not be something I would be proud of.  Actually, it is pretty bad ass...I confront them at a night club and I am looking super hot, and then...OK maybe now is not the time.
My point is that if anything, now is not the time to be pregnant when looking at the stress levels, financial situation, and an already full plate.  But because now people feel sorry for me, they have changed their mind.  Not that they would not have loved Ryan no matter the situation, but now I am convinced I am baking the most spoiled baby ever.  There are a line of people who want to make up to her for the fact that she is being born into a less than ideal family dynamic. 
I am not complaining, I totally dig the attention she gets, but I just find it ironic that in one quick move (And I was not there, but from my experience it was quick) my life was totally changed.  And the way people saw me changed.  Some see me as a victim.  Some may think I deserve what is happening.  Some may see me as a warrior determined to make the best of a crappy situation.
Truth is, it does not matter how other's see me.  It matters how I see me, and how my children perceive me.  And while right now I am the slave driver who is trying to keep our ship from sinking, I am confidant that soon enough they will see me for the totally kick ass mom that I am.  I hope that all of this makes us closer. I hope that one day ,when we are all ready, we will forgive completely. 
And on the plus side, one day, fingers crossed, I will meet the man I am supposed to be with.  The man who makes me laugh, is not afraid to put me in my place, but picks his battles.  The man who loves my children as if they were his own.  Future husband will be tall and love God.  He will not be afraid to make a fool of himself but is so debonair that he rarely does.  He will show my children how a man should treat a woman.  He will show me how to open up and love with all my heart.  He will show me how to have multiple orgasms find the passion inside myself.
OK so apparently my mind is all over the place right now.  My point is that life is all about perspective.  That my Mr. Perfect is out there somewhere.  And that while the last 8 months have been painful, I know that there is something better ahead (even though I still have a long road of pain to travel). 
And even though there are some delusional people out there, determined to blame me, and hurt me, no matter the cost.  I will rise above it.  It is hard.  I feel like I cry more than I smile, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.  I will do what is right because it is right, and let others continue to hang themselves.  I will protect my kids the best way I know how, and make sure they are happy and healthy.  I thought I could make people see the error of their ways but I can't.  I am the one who has everything they can only dream about, and that is my perspective.