Was I that bad? Was I such an insufferable bitch that it is worth walking out on your family? How do you look at your children as they beg you not to leave them? As the scream "Daddy please don't leave", and not even shed a tear? Just walk away and leave me here to pick up the pieces. And I will. But it is hard. Do you know how badly I still hurt? That my heart is still in pieces. That I want to yell with them, "Please don't leave us. I can change. I will do better. I will do anything if you just say you will stay."
And then I feel so guilty, because I am the reason you left. It was nothing they did, it was me. I could not make you happy. I wanted to. I tried. I would have done anything for you. And I still wasn't good enough. Why wasn't I good enough? I know I was moody, demanding and controlling. But I was also faithful, self sacrificing, and absolutely and irrevocably in love with you. I know I made you laugh, and when we held each other there was a connection that cannot be denied.
I wish I could hate you. After everything you have done to me, and continue to do to me and our children. But with each thing you do that hurts me, it just makes me feel more guilt that I was so horrible to be with, that you could treat me this way. I wish I knew how to stop the hurt. I wish I knew how to dry the tears, but I don't. And it kills me to watch my children suffer. If I could do something to change this I would. I would sacrifice my happiness to make them happy, just tell me how. Someone tell me how to make this better.
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You have no idea how much I wish I could tell you how to make it better, but I can't. The only thing I can tell you and this is a FACT, it is NOT your fault! It has NOTHING to do with ANY of the above! If it did, things would have changed in your marriage BEFORE the 18 yr old came into his life. PERIOD. One day you will realize this..... prayerfully.
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