"Suck It" List: Part 1

In January, I started working on a bucket list.  A list of things I want to do before I die.  Then I thought, "I could die tomorrow", so a bucket list is not what I need.  So I decided to make a list of things that I wanted to do, for me.  Things I want to do because I want to do them, and they can be selfish or benevolent, but they would be mine.  And if people don't like it, then they can suck it.  Hence, my "Suck it List"  It is a long list and getting longer, so I will just occasionally post a few of my wishes at a time.

1. Go to an Island – A private island would be great, but any ol’ island will do. I want to see crystal blue waters, and just be away from it all. Sun, Sand, and Surf. And a super hot “local” would not be a bad addition either ;)


2. Preach a Sermon- Maybe not a sermon, but give my testimony. Stand in front of the church and lay it all out. I am not ready for that yet. My story is still being written. BUT when I find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and I know I will, I want to be able to share that with others.

3. Punch someone in the face – OK, so I know this does not go with the faith/christian/tolerance thing I have been promoting, but I am only human. And while right now I can think of a couple of people I would like to punch in the face, the truth is, I just want to feel the adrenaline rush. And as much joy as I may get now from punching certain people (and trust me I have envisioned it); I think I would want my punch to be nobler. Maybe I will stop a thief from stealing an old lady’s purse, or protect someone less fortunate from a bully. All I know is that I think, with a little practice, I could really do some damage. I have even been practicing my own tag lines for after the punch. It will be EPIC.

Remind me not to let my kids write my match.com ad

If you are easily embarrassed, offended by talk of human anatomy, or offended by crude humor...then there is nothing for you here today.  However if those things don't bother you and you want to laugh your butt off.....proceed.

So, I cannot believe I am going to share this with the cyber world, but it is just too damn funny not to.  If it had happened to someone else I would want to tell the world, so I guess I will have to get a little egg on my face this time.

When I first told the boys I was pregnant, they started to ask a lot of questions about how the baby was born.  (Thank goodness they did not ask how she got in there-although that would be a very short story...get it? Oh never mind)  I told them at first the baby was going to come out of my belly.  Don't most kids just accept that fact?  Oh no, not mine.  They freaked out.  They started asking if the doctor was going to cut me open, would it hurt, was I going to die, and eventually started to cry.
So I called an audible, and changed plans at the last moment and told them that the baby would come out of mom's vagina, which is the girl privates.  OK technically, I said I would poop that baby out of my vagina, but now is not the time for specifics.

They began to laugh and laugh.  Then the questions came about baginas (as they call it).  Do all girls have one? Can we see one? Does it look like a wiener?  I tried to calmly answer all of their questions.  Then they became obsessed with talking about it.  They told everyone they could that "Mommy was going to have a baby out of her bagina." If they were not talking about my delivery, they were telling every woman they saw "You have a bagina...it is like your wiener." 

I tried to stop it, I did.  But sometimes it was so stinking funny.  And all it takes is one little laugh from an adult and a kid feels like he has found comedy gold.  Eventually I told them that their wiener was actually called a penis, and I went over the list of rules about their penis.  I never thought I would have to tell someone what to do with their own penis, but apparently, that is not something that comes naturally to men.  They instinctively want to touch it all of the time, but I have to remind them that they should not show it to others, or let others touch it.  We covered "stranger danger" and all of that.

Fast forward a couple of months to this past Saturday.  I took the boys to the Sounds game with Aunt Kiki and Timbone.  We had an AMAZING time.  The boys absolutely loved it, and amazingly, so did I.  The first episode of potty mouth started while we were standing in the Will Call line.  Dillon head-butted Kiki in her stomach and the following conversation followed:

Kiki:        I hope you did not hurt your head on my rock hard abs
Dakota:   *Walking up and smacking Kiki on the butt* I thought this was your rock hard ass
Kiki:        I said ABS, not ass
Dakota:   Abs? I don't know what those are

I thought I may pee my pants.  I know, I know I should have been furious at his potty mouth, and I did reprimand him eventually for using that word, but 2 things came to mind.  The fact that he knows the word "ass" but not "abs" is a giant parenting fail, and not particularly his fault.  Second, he was not trying to have potty mouth, just correcting Kiki on what he thought was an error on her part. 

Fast forward a few more hours and we are in the car on the way home.  What happened next was 1) my fault 2) super embarrassing and 3) the funniest thing ever.

Me:            Dakota, tell Timbone how Ryan is going to be born
Dakota:      Ryan is going to come out of Mommy's bajina
Timbone:   Wow, I don't know what to say
Dakota:      Sometimes babies come out of mommies bellies, but my mommy has babies out of her    bagina.  And since this is her 4th kid, she probably has a humongous bagina. 

::Crickets, Crickets:: and then uncontrollable laughter. 

When I could finally breathe, I told Dakota that we do not ever say that again, and that the number of children does not necessarily correlate to the size of someone's vagina.  At least that is what I tell myself. Well now Dakota knows he has struck a funny bone and wants to continue the conversation. (That and he knew he was at the back of the van so I could not immediately swat him with something, so he was feeling pretty ballsy)

He then begins to talk about how grown ups have hair on their privates and he hopes he never has a hairy penis.  (he actually said a lot more than that, but due to slander laws, I will not write about it)  What happens next is weird, funny, and well, weird.

Dakota:    When I grow up I am going to have a business called "For Wieners Only" and I will make sure no one has a hairy penis, because that is gross.  On second thought, maybe I will hire a pro to do it.
Me:           ::Choking::  You should probably hire a pro, because I do not want to have to tell people that my son shaves penis' (peni?) for a living.
Dakota:     Yeah, and I should probably not discriminate and let baginas in too.

I turned on the radio and no one spoke the rest of the car ride.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

So I know lately my posts have been very "woe is me" and maybe a little bitter.  OK a lot bitter.  But I am hurt.  And confused.  But what I don't want anyone to think is that I think I am some perfect person who made no mistakes and I am an angel on earth. 
I am far from it.  My therapist says eventually I will have to deal with what I did to contribute to the situation and all that crap.  I am not completely ready for that, but I do know I made mistakes.  I was controlling and bossy.  I wanted things done my way.  I did not always respect my STBE (soon to be ex) like I should.  Like the Bible says a wife should respect her husband.  I see that now.  Man, do I see that.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about that. 
Even though the end of our marriage is on his shoulders, I am not innocent on everything.  There are times I wish I could beg his forgiveness for any hurt I caused him.  I know he does not care about hurting me, but that does not mean I still do not want to do what is right.  And part of me thinks that maybe I was so horrible for so long that I killed his spirit and anything in him that even wants to be kind to me.  I hope one day he can get over whatever hurt he has experienced, because we have a long road ahead of us. 
Maybe he is not hurt, maybe he just truly is some anomaly and able to turn himself off like a switch.  Maybe he has a brain tumor.  Hell, I wish I knew.  I don't mind if he blames me for things because I know the truth.  I fought to save our marriage, to fix my flaws, and to rise above the pain.  He did not.  That is really hard for me to accept, that I was not worth trying for.  And for every instance I can recall where maybe I was a bitch mean to him, there are 10 I can recall where I showered him with love.  There are 20 moments for each bad one where we laughed and talked.  I DON'T EFFING GET IT.
Sorry, sometimes, I want to scream.  Just stand outside and scream and cry and throw things. 
I want this to be over.  I wish I could be as numb as he appears to be. 
So, obviously my thoughts are all over the place.  My point is that I know I was not a perfect wife, and I know I have a lot of work to do on me before I am ever going to be able to give myself to a man.  And that is OK.  My concern is my children.  And where I refuse to take any blame, is how he has handled himself as a father.  No matter how he feels about me, he should be there for his kids.  And I have done everything but beg him to be there.  So I am sure that I will continue to wonder, and hypothesize, and second guess a lot of things over the past 8 years.  I know it will take time, and eventually I will think about it less and less.  I am sure that once I have baby Ryan and my hormones are back to normal, maybe I will be too.  Maybe not.  I am OK with that for now.  I have one responsibility right now, and that is to be a mother.  I am not perfect, but I am going to be the best damn mother I can, because the moment I decided to become a parent, life ceased to be about me.  I just wish he saw things that way too.

You never know until it happens to you

I have plenty of single mom friends (or mom's who were once single moms) and many of them were single all throughout their pregnancies.  I always knew it was hard for them, but I thought it was because they missed their significant other.  I mean they had me there for them, their families, other friends, and so they really were not missing out on anything, right? 
So now that I am going through a pregnancy alone, I have started to see how wrong I was.  I know it is pretty crappy of me to just now be really seeing the truth in the matter, now that it is happening to me, but isn't that normally how it works?  We are quick to dismiss things or pass judgement until it affects us, and then our entire outlook changes. 
So now that I am in the situation I am in, I would like to apologize to everyone I have ever known that went through a pregnancy without the complete support of the father, for me not recognizing how truly crappy it is.  It is not the intimate relationship that I miss.  It is knowing that I have a partner in the miracle of life.  That the man I trusted to create a child with me, is actually as excited as I am.  I miss knowing that there will be someone there at the end of the day to rub my feet or put their hand on my stomach to feel the baby move.  I miss knowing that I have a cohort in this journey. 
I miss knowing that whatever happens, there is someone out there as invested in this as I am.  I know I have friends and family who are, but it is just....different.  I guess I did not anticipate that while I was not "with" my daughter's father, that he would take such a complete lack of interest.  It pains me that he cannot even speak of the pregnancy or say her name.  That he never asks how she is doing, or how I am doing.  Not as his wife (which I still am) but as the vessel and life force of his first daughter.  I hate that while I am doing this alone, he is off playing house, pretending to be a devoted father.  That he is sharing those thoughts, wishes, concerns, with another girl.  That he can devote so much into someone he has known only a few months but cannot even inquire as to the well being of his wife for 8 years, partner for 12 years, and the woman currently carrying his fourth child while raising his other three.
I know I should not care, but I do.  I remember so vividly the joy and excitement of going into labor with my first three children.  I remember having him by my side, holding my hand, encouraging me from the time we left for the hospital until we came home with our bundle of joy.  I remember the intense sense of bonding/oneness/love/perfection I felt when the doctor handed me our child and my husband stood beside me, with tears in his eyes as he kissed each of us on the forehead.  In my life, the three times I have experienced that have been the most intense and perfect moments in my life.  They were the moments I knew that I was on the right track.  That I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  What a fool I was.
And now I think of this pregnancy and how it will all play out.  I think about having my first contractions and wanting to reach out to him, but knowing my contact is not wanted.  I think about beginning to make the phone calls, pack my bags, and instead of being overwhelmed with joy, drowning in anxiety and fear.  I imagine arriving at the hospital and being without the person who helped create this miracle, and knowing that even if he was there, the last thing he would want to do is hold my hand and support me.
I picture me laboring with our child, and him in the waiting room texting her and sharing this moment with her.  I imagine that first moment I see my daughter and I look around and he is nowhere to be found.  I can feel the joy as I hold her being washed away by a sense of loneliness and shame.  The anxiety is almost palpable as he comes in the room for the first time to meet his daughter, and does not even bother to look my way.  I watch his eyes fill with tears as if he deserves any of the joy.  I can hear him calling her to tell her how perfect his daughter is and how he cannot wait for her to hold my child. 
I assume he will stop by a couple of times over the next couple of days to fulfill his obligations.  He will blush as I breast feed and turn his head or leave the room as if he may see something he has not seen thousands of times before.  He will ask the obligatory questions so that when he is asked, he can act like he is being actively involved.  I fear that every time he is around I will not be able to control my tears or hurt, or maybe even anger.
Jump forward to leaving the hospital, alone with my daughter, and coming home.  To putting her in her crib for the first time with no one around who truly understands the impact of all these "firsts".  To the night feedings by myself.  To being sleep deprived, depressed, and overwhelmed with negative emotions during a time that should hold nothing but joy. 
I know I should not think of these things.  I know I should focus on the positive, but as each day passes i I am reminded that the man I knew is gone.  That what I thought I had is over.  That I will never have that again. This is my life.  This is how it will be for my children and I for now on.  There is no "maybe".  There is no hope.  We are alone in this. And I know we will make it, and will be great.  I just hate that we are having to prove that.  I hate that he has the world by a string while I am hanging on by a thread.  I hate that I have these vain, selfish, useless thoughts.  I hate that I cannot erase him from my mind.  I hate that I am so emotionally weak that I allow him to consume my thoughts, but here I am. Still hurting. Still crying.  Still standing still, as if I might wake up from this nightmare.  As if I might save the day and come out the hero instead of the victim.

Four Months

In four months I lost my husband, my best friend, my parenting partner, and my soul mate. I have been betrayed, lied to, let down, and humiliated.

I have also gained new friendships, saw the light, found faith, found strength, and grown closer to my children. I have seen the bottom and rose above it.

It is not easy, in fact it is hard as hell. I still cry daily and relive the past over and over. I wonder if we ever cross your mind. But in spite of all the emotions, I move forward. I take care of our children. I work full time. I teach the boys about God and love. I am PRESENT!

And now, when faced with the fact that my daughter (yes she is mine. You donated sperm. You have yet to ask about her, acknowledge her, or ask to feel her move. She is mine) may suffer from birth defects whether mild or severe, and still I press forward. I take care of business. I take care of our children with a smile on my face. And I am doing a damn good job.

So live in sin and fear. Drink away your sorrow. Smoke pot to the numb the pain. Not that you care, but we are doing great without you. We will continue to do so.
"For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me."

When you hit the bottom, you can rollover or bounce

Sometimes, things happen in life, and we are forced to take a look inside ourselves and do a self evaluation. We have to ask ourselves, "What did I do to contribute to this situation?" Typically, we never choose to do this when things in life are going well, because, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It often happens that when life knocks us down, we use that time to self reflect. (Or at least should. We all know the people who use that time to place blame) I was forced to take a hard look at myself and see if I was the person I wanted to be. I made a decision to look at myself honestly, and not to blame others for my behavior or beat myself up over past mistakes, but to learn and grow from those character flaws.


I also decided to stop blaming myself for the decisions of others. I could have no more controlled their actions than I could have controlled the wind. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own decisions. This is not easy to do, and I still battle with blaming myself, but I know that, in time, I will stop doing that, and be able to see much clearer. I have to say that, had you asked me a year ago, what I would have done if I found myself in the situation I am in now, I definitely would not have imagined I would have handled things how I have. I probably would have told you a list of things I would have done, and most would probably have ended in jail time.

Never would I have imagined that I would have handled myself with such faith, grace and courage. I am not trying to pat myself on the back. I have cried, gotten angry, spoken out of anger, and done things that maybe weren’t perfect, but I decided from the start, that I was not going to do or say anything that I would regret later. I try to imagine that everything I do or say will eventually be found out by my children, and I want to be able to look at them with my head held high, and let them know that I did the best I could. That while I did not always make the right choices, I made the choices I felt were best at the time. At night, when everyone is asleep, and I am left alone with myself, I have enough pain and heartache already, without having the guilt associated with making poor decisions.

Sometimes I wish I could time travel back to when I was a teenager, and have a little pep talk with myself. I would tell myself the importance of self esteem, faith, love, controlling my anger, and exercise/diet. I would guide myself to be a better person so that I could be a better wife and mother. There are times I dream of going back in my marriage and changing some of my behaviors and reactions. I wonder how life would be different if I had been then, the person that I am meant to be, and the person I am trying to be now.

Then I smack myself and come back to reality. I cannot go back and change anything, and I would not want to, because even the slightest change could alter my life now, and while there are bad situations in it, I would not risk changing anything. Because outside of the last 7 months, I have had an amazing life. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends. I have my children, and I HAD what I thought was an amazing husband (And truly I am not stupid, I did have someone pretending to be a great husband.  I do not know what happened between now and then). I had my health, a good job, advanced degrees, and I thought I had life in the palm of my hand. I suppose maybe I got complacent and did not nurture the relationships I had. But I still would not change a thing because I am right where I am meant to be. And to be honest, if I knew now how easily someone could become something so disgusting and vile, and lose all sense of morals or compassion, I would have probably avoided them at all costs, and then I would not have the 4 greatest things that have ever happened to me.

So I am not perfect. I struggle with self doubt, fear, anxiety, and anger. But at the end of the day I know that God has a plan for me, and that it will be better than anything I could have imagined for myself.

86,400 seconds

24 hours…so much can happen in 24 hours. I remember waking up one day thinking I was blissfully married, only to find out within the next 24 hours, that I never meant anything to him and that he had already replaced me with a more immature easy loose moraled younger girl (But by no means upgraded)

I woke up yesterday thinking it was going to be the day that I moved on.  That I quit with the "what ifs" and "whys" and started to live MY life.  I woke up to have breakfast with my boys, took Dakota to school, and then took Dillon and Dalton to the doctor for their Well Visits.  I was determined it was going to be a day without tears. 

The obstacles started small.  Dalton was diagnosed with PICA (Pica (pronounced /ˈpaɪkə/ PY-kə) is a medical disorder characterized by an appetite for substances largely non-nutritive, that are not meant to be consumed such as clay, paper, metal, coal, dirt ), which I already assumed, but was told of all of the forms of PICA, his was the safest because the non-food items he chose to eat were able to be mostly digested. (He picks the fibrous materials off of his diapers or furniture and eats it).  The good news was that he will more than likely grow out of it, sooner, rather than later.

The doctor informed me that Dillon failed his hearing test in both ears.  WHAT?!?!?! I am praying this is a mistake and maybe he just did not follow directions.  He has never given me any reason to believe he has trouble hearing. Maybe a case of selective hearing, but that seems to be every male in the world.   But as a mom I am still concerned. 

Dalton also used the opportunity for an audience at the doctor to show how well he could pronounce, and how many different uses there were, for his new favorite expletive word. DAMNIT.  Let me tell you how proud I was...not. 

But we left the doctor feeling pretty good.  I have some strong healthy boys and I was filled with hope for the day. 

::RING RING::

So many moments of sadness or trauma have started with that sound. Ok technically that is not the sound my phone makes...it actually sang out with Eminem's song "I'm Not Afraid", but for the purpose of this story, ""ring ring"" is a better option.

A simple ring.  The last sound I heard before I found out my uncle and cousin had been killed by a drunk driver.  The last sound I heard before I found out that my Grandmother had passed away.  The last sound I heard before I found out my Uncle Jeff went to be with the Lord.  The last sound I heard when I found out that I would never again hear the contagious laugh of Emily Harding.  The last sound I heard when I saw the proof that my marriage was over.  So many times in my life, that sound, has been a precursor to my tears. 

When I answered the phone and saw it was a local number, I assumed it was the new pediatrician thanking me for my patronage, or one of the local hospitals calling to harass remind me that I owe them money. 

When I answered the phone and my OBGYN announced himself, I was kind of taken by surprise.  This is my 4th pregnancy, and my OB has never called me.  My first thought was that something showed up in my Glucose screening or that the urine analysis showed that my pre-eclampsia was back.  Not good news, but manageable.  When I heard him say "Ms. Parrott, I have the results of your ultrasound"  Wait, what?? Results? I know the results.  I am having a girl and she is perfect.  I have the pictures to prove it.  My ultrasounds don't have results, only cute little profile pictures. "Your ultrasound shows some obvious abnormalities in the bones of the skull.  It is what we call scalloping.  While there is always a chance there is an error, I am going to refer you to a High Risk OB to run some more tests.  Is there a time on your calendar where you would be available?"  NOW!!!!!!  You just told me there could be something wrong with my daughter....MY SCHEDULE JUST OPENED UP.  We hung up the phone and the tears came. 

Then I start thinking of everything I should have said or asked, but was in too much shock.  After throwing myself a 15 minute crying fest, I got on my knees and prayed.  And then I reached out to my friends in cyber world to extend their prayers as well.  I know that prayers are the most powerful thing there is.  I begin to wait.  I answer questions to the best of my knowledge for those who reach out to me.  I worry about why the person, besides me, who should be most concerned, has not contacted me at all.  I get on Google.  Bad mistake. 

Waiting waiting waiting waiting.  I am still waiting.  I just called the OB and my doctor is in surgery and they will make sure to get with me before the end of the day.  THAT IS A LIFETIME FOR A SCARED MOTHER. I am comforted by the outpouring of love and prayers for Ryan.  I was feeling sorry for myself last night thinking how hard it is to be a single mom, and to go through a pregnancy alone, and then it hit me....I am  not alone.  I have never been alone.  I have so many people who love and care for me and my children.  If anything I more relate to a polygamist :) 

Waiting....So again in 24 hours my world has been flipped.  Up is down.  Left is Right.  I can't help but be afraid of wonder what the next 24 hours holds. 

When I can't sleep...I write

It has only been months, but it seems like years
How long must I drown, in this sea of tears?
I am at the bottom; will I make it to the top?
This train is out of control, will it ever stop?
I try to be good, I pray every night
So tired of the darkness, ready for the light
So much to be thankful for, but the world is dragging me down
Putting on my fake smile, as a mask for my frown
I try to pick myself up, brush the dust off my shoulder
But every time I begin to stand straight, Satan adds another boulder
They say what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger
I want to believe that, but I cannot take this much longer
I feel ashamed and so much self loathing
How dare I complain, when there are children without food or clothing?
So here I am God, Yours to make Your own
Put Your healing arms around me, because I can’t do this alone

jflsdjfl sdf;ii sdgks

So I had a very inspirational and funny blog for today about overcoming adversity and all the jazz, but right now I am feeling sorry for myself so I will have to save that post for another time.  Right now all I am doing is thinking "When is enough enough?" or "what did I do in my life to deserve this karma?" so I am not the person to come to for inspiration.  I want to crawl in my tub, eat ice cream, and cry. 

Volunteer Work

I am researching different organizations where I can get my children involved.  Any suggestions?  I know that we can do some work for the Special Olympics with Mom, but I am looking for something a little different right now.  I do not want anything that deals with illness of any sort, or medical conditions, but more "life situations".  Does that make sense?
I want them to see how regular people can make poor decisions and end up in a bad place in life, but then other people (them) can help out and help them out of their situation and turn their life around.  I want them to learn cause and effect, and that there consequences to poor choices, and rewards for good choices.  I want them to know how people pulled themselves out of bad situations, even though it was not easy, but even though it was a struggle they knew it was what God wanted, and took that leap of faith.  I want them to feel the pain of others, but mostly feel hope.
My children are great, and are still very young, but sometimes they can be materialistic or seeking instant gratification, and I want them to learn to be happy with what they have.  I want them to learn empathy, to reach out to others, and to not be selfish.  Selfishness is a trait that leads down so many wrong paths and leads to other poor characteristics.  I want them to know J.O.Y. That is where you always learn to think about Jesus, then Others, and then Yourself. 
I want them to be the best version of themselves.  Until recently, they had led a very sheltered life, but lately they have been through so much, and I think right now what they could use is a little perspective.  We do not have money to give, but we can give our time, our experience, our smiles, our support.  I do not know what all there is out there, where small children would be welcomed to volunteer so I would love any suggestions! 

"Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another."


- Erma Brombeck

Being the mom I should be

This is a list I found online, but lost the link to, but thought it was a good reminder. Sometimes you get so caught up in being a parent, that you forget to actually BE A PARENT.

1. Heal your relationship with your parents the best you know how.
2. Children spell LOVE - T-I-M-E. Do things with your kids often, not just watch TV.
3. Help your children learn about things not taught in school (like spirituality).
4. Always take time to enjoy your children's accomplishments and praise them.
5. Teach your children about music especially your favorite songs.
6. Criticize in private, praise in public. Never yell at your children in front of people.
7. Teach your children how to choose friends and avoid trouble.
8. Talk to your children about drugs, alcohol and sex.
9. Take family vacations.
10. Be involved, not controlling in your children's lives.

 And this is my own, but be mindful of your children. Little eyes see all and little ears hear everything. Be the type of person you would want your children to be. This is so hard and I often do not realize my mistakes until I see the behavior or hear the words coming from my children. It is hard, and everyone has their own idea of what is appropriate or not, but most people agree on the common core values and your children deserve to be given every opportunity in life to succeed and be happy.

When I think back on the times in life when I took for granted my life, or wished I could just get away for a little bit, or got frustrated over the small things, it really makes me upset. Sometimes it takes being knocked down to see what is really important in life, and I am so happy and blessed to have been given the opportunity to look inside myself and make the changes to try to become the mother I should be.

Spanks a lot

Can I just say I have the most amazing kids?  Sure they can be whiny, have smart mouths, throw fits, make messes, and all kinds of other stuff, but at the end of the day, here is what matters: They are kind, loyal, loving, smart, forgiving, funny, and happy.  They are always happy and smiling. 
And they crack me up with the stuff they say.  Dakota told me he should have his own 30 minute show on TV, all about his life, and that there would be a lot of laugh tracks.
Then he said "Mom,. why don't I have my own show?  It is not hard to do. Snookie has a show.  Then I could move to Hollywood with Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez."
He is so funny.  And my other boys are too.  And they are mischievous.  And adventurous.  And so loving on their mom.  They LOVE their mom.  I truly am blessed.  With all of the crap that has been flung my way recently, I really have no room to complain because I still have what some people can only dream of.  The other stuff, it will pass.  We will move on.  We will adjust.  It will be hard.  There are still some more tears left to shed, but at the end of the day, I have an amazing life.
It is hectic.  And it is hard being a single mom with the exception of 96 hours a month (in theory).  But it is also empowering.  I love the feeling of responsibility (and I am horrified by it at the same time).  I love knowing that everything around me is mine, and my responsibility.  That my life is in my hands.  It can be overwhelming but also liberating.  I control my future.  I can right the wrongs, make the changes, and be the person I should have been. The person I am meant to be.  I may not be where I thought I was, or have the future I thought I would have, but that is OK.  I am doing much better than some people in my life, and I am grateful for that.  While some other's decisions still baffle me and break my heart, they also make me drop to my knees and thank God it is not me.  And thank God for the people He has put in my life that would not allow that to become me.  The friends and family who believe in tough love and being held accountable. The people who have morals, believe in God, and most importantly, believe in me.
So thank you to all of my friends and family who have been there.  For those who have prayed with/for me, cried with/for me, spied with/for me, comforted me, loved me, put me in my place, loved my children, supported me, encouraged me, helped me out when I needed a hand, and refused to help when they knew that the lesson was in me learning to do it on my own.  To all of you, God has a great reward in store for you, I just know it.  And thank you for your patience.  Between my normal demeanor, stress, and hormones, I don't always act like the most rational person, but you understand and love me anyways!
And we (my children and I) love you too. 
And thank you to those who read my blog.  It really means a lot to me.  Do not be afraid to leave comments and let me know what you think.  It makes me feel special :)

I am SO glad I am not a teenager anymore

Can I just say that I am glad I am not a teenager anymore? The peer pressure, the insecurities, the raging hormones, the "me against the world" mentality. NO THANK YOU. I thought I knew it all at 18 and now that I look back, I am amazed at how little I did know and how much experience, knowledge, and confidence I have gained over the last 13 years.


While I don't want to stereotype all teenagers, a lot of them think they know more than they do, think they are stronger than they are, and think they have the world figured out. The truth is that you still have so much to learn at 18, and so many more life experiences to gain. Legally, you're an adult. Emotionally you're still a child. Stay a child, act like a child, and enjoy your youth. Hang out with friends, go to college, get a job, and have fun. There is plenty of time for acting like a grown up and leading an adult life. Once you enter into that world, there is no going back.

I am not saying be completely reckless. Take responsibility for your actions. Take ownership in your own life. Stop letting your Daddy/Mommy issues affect who you are. At some point we all have to decide what kind of person we want to be and what kind of life we want to have, and then make a conscious effort to reach our goals.

No matter what you have “been through” in your short existence; know that you are not ready for the responsibilities that come from being an adult. Just because you have babysat does not mean you are ready for your own children. Just because you basically raised yourself does not mean you are ready to be a wife/husband. I have pulled a tooth before but that does not qualify me to be a dentist.

Learn to love yourself and stop basing your self-worth on what others think of you. If you do what is right, act in good conscious, and follow God, you cannot go wrong. You will stumble, and you will fall, but you will get up again. The important thing is that you do not make the same mistakes twice. EVERY action has a consequence. Before acting think about if you are ready to pay the price. Always apologize, ask for forgiveness, and be sincere. In the end, we are judged on our actions and how we handled ourselves in the face of adversity.

At 18 I thought I had it figured out. I knew what I was going to do with my life, where I was going to be, and exactly how happy I was going to be. I thought by the time I was 30 I would be wealthy, have one child, travel a lot, and be in a happy, committed marriage. The reality is that I struggle financially, I am pregnant with my fourth child, I have never traveled, and I am recovering from a failed marriage. Were the goals I had at 18 stupid? NO. Unrealistic? Maybe. Would I change a thing? Absolutely not. Because I love where I am now. It is not easy, and there are a lot of tears, but I have the love of the three beautiful little boys and another baby on the way. If I never accomplish anything else in my life, I feel my life is complete.

Is this the life I pictured at 18? Of course not, but I am proud of where I am because I know that I acted in good faith, followed Jesus, and followed my heart to get where I am. I know that I will always be able to look at my children and tell them I did my best. Have I faltered, made mistakes, and done other things that I am sure at some point will come up in their lives during a therapy session? I am sure I have. Did I do any of it on purpose? No way! In the last couple months I have experienced more pain than I thought was physically possible to bear, but minute by minute, hour by hour, I push through, because my life is no longer about what I want or need, it is about my children. They are my first thought in EVERY decision I make.

What I am getting at is while the law may consider you an adult, LIFE does not. Be a kid. Learn. Play. Grow. Experience. LIVE. Do what your heart tells you, but be safe. Do not let your issues affect others’ lives! Because one lesson you have not learned (and I can guarantee you that you do not want to learn) is how strong, determined, motivated, and aggressive a mother can be when the livelihood of her children is threatened. I will do anything to protect my children from anyone or anything I feel is not good for them. That is my job. That is what being a grown up is about. So go watch Jersey Shore, go to a party (Don’t drink and drive) flirt with teenage boys, go to the mall, and have fun. But make no mistake when your “fun” crosses over into my life, I will not sit idly by and watch you destroy your life and try to destroy the well being of my children. Do not mistake my kindness and willingness to forgive for being weak, because you have NO IDEA just how strong I can be.

"And God spoke all these words, saying: 'I am the LORD your God…

ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'

TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image.'

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'

FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'

FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.'

SIX: 'You shall not murder.'

SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'

EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.'

NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife

Sometimes

Sometimes I think this is all a dream
And any moment I will wake
To find you lying safe in my arms
And my heart really didn’t break

Sometimes I sit and blame myself
For your indiscretions
It is kind of pathetic
This level of depression

I have always prided myself on being strong
Of not needing a helping hand
I can do this all on my own
I don’t need a man

But needing and wanting are two different things
And our children need a full-time father
I try to explain what you are doing to us
But I don’t know why I bother


You are content to just walk away
And see only what you want to see
Oh how the mighty will fall
When you are faced with reality

Questions, Through The Eyes Of A 6 Year Old Boy.

© Adam T. Cumberbatch

Can you tuck me into bed mama?
Don't forget to kiss me goodnight.
Can you tell me a story mama,
Before you turn out the lights?

Can you kiss my forehead mama,
Like you used to do before?
Can you at least tell me you love me mama,
Before you close the bedroom door?


Why don't you wanna talk to me mama?
I miss the sound of your voice.
Mama, can you please say somethin'?
I guess if you don't, it's your choice.

But mama, I have to tell you somethin'...

Even though you're quiet mama,
I know what you're goin' through.
I understand why you cry now mama,
Cause I'm hurtin' too.

Why'd you have to leave us daddy?
I still had some growin' up to do.
Did we somehow make you mad daddy?
Or, were we not good enough for you?


Do you know that mama cries at night daddy?
I think it's cause she sleeps alone.
Daddy, can you please call the house tonight,
Cause mama is waitin' by the phone.


You know mama still loves you daddy?
But I hate you for what you done.
you put tears in mama's eyes, daddy.
And in the eyes of YOUR son.


I thought you said you'd never leave daddy?
You said we'd be pals, you and me.
But, you broke your promise daddy,
Like you broke this family.

Tough Love

Whatever happened to tough love?
No matter at what age
To saying I love you, but you are being dumb
And we can’t support you at this stage

Whatever happened to letting them know?
That you love them unconditionally
But you will not stand idly by
And watch them repeat history

Whatever happened to family values?
When did it become ok to give up?
How is quitting such an easy choice
Is there any value to the word love?

Whatever happened to leading by example?
To being firm but fair
Your child does not need a best friend
They need to know you care

Whatever happened to right and wrong?
And being a parent when it counts?
So go on and be the good time friend
And see what all that amounts


What will you say, years down the road?
When your child hangs his head in shame
And you hear their regret and see their tears
And you only have yourself to blame

What I should have said

What I should have said:
I hate you. I hate you so completely and absolutely, for doing this to us. For being too damn scared to fight for our family. For being so damn selfish. I hope our children are nothing like you. I hope one day, when they are older, they learn the truth and see you for who you really are; a cowardly, selfish SOB. I hope they still love you, but no longer idolize you. I hope one day you regret this so badly that you can’t eat or sleep. I hope you cry yourself to sleep every night, just like we do now. Who walks out on their pregnant wife and three small children? You can say you are leaving me and not them, go screw yourself. That is not how life works. You never even tried to save our marriage or let me know you were unhappy. You continuously announced your undying love for me and desire to have more kids. I was not given the chance to change. You never tried, and that is unacceptable. How could you not care that you will be leaving me and your children so broke? That we are losing our home. And no, joint custody won’t fix that; we will still have the same amount of bills. And no, joint custody is not the best answer, and this is not about revenge. This is about providing our children with some level of stability. I am the constant in their lives. I am not saying you don’t love them, I have never said that. I know you would die for them, but when are you going to live for them? You say you put them first but you are the only one who believes that. If you were putting them first you would not have an 18 year old girlfriend who is closer in age to them than to you. A girl with such moral issues and daddy issues that she would never be allowed around our kids. While I am agonizing over how to protect them and provide for them, you are moving inn with her and trying to start another family. You ARE still married. Is that putting them first? No you are thinking of yourself and trying to justify your perverse actions. I hope your “new friends” soon tire of you and you are all alone. I hope you get fat again. I hope you are so broke that you cannot always afford to eat. I hope you go bald. I hope one day you realize that you had it all and want to come back, only to realize we are gone. I hope you find Jesus, but only after you have gone through hell.
What I said:
I love you, please don’t leave.

Do you know

Do you know I cry myself to sleep at night?
And I wake up the same way
Do you know all of the energy I put into this fight?
Just to make you stay


Do you know that I still defend you?
And uphold my duties as your wife
Do you know that even though I can’t comprehend you;
I long for our old life


Do you know that I never once imagined?
That you could do this to me
Do you know that I still find it hard to believe?
That you found it so easy to flee


Do you know that when we tell our boys
That you are walking away
Do you know that it will break their hearts?
And then what will you say?


Do you know that you are living in denial?
Is it easier that way?
Do you know that you truly messed up?
When you decided to go astray

To Him

I looked at our wedding pictures
Though I could hardly see through the tears
The love we vowed for eternity
Lasted only 7 years

I don’t know how you look at yourself
After everything that you’ve done
How you could betray me so fast
Well, I guess , like father, like son

So what I have to hold onto now
Are pictures of a past life
When our love was real and you were strong
And you were proud to call me your wife

I hope you one day you realize
All of the pain you created
And I hope to hear an apology
Even if it is belated

All I asked was for some respect
A little human decency
What I got was a slap in the face
And you walking away with a piece of me

But I am stronger than you know
And I will come out ahead
I will protect our children
While you take a child to bed

Riddle me this

If you truly think what you are doing is the right thing, and that you have your children's best interest at heart, then why lie?  Why hide it?  Why go to extraordinary lengths to cover up what you are doing?  Because you know it isn't right or the best thing for the children.  You know she is not fit to be in my children's lives. 
If you truly believed that she was, you would not lie or hide.  You would do the mature thing and sit down with me and say, "I know this is not the best situation, and what I did was the shittiest thing any human being has ever done was not right to you or fair, but we are going to be together.  What do we need to do, to show you that we are fit to parent these children and be role models?"  Instead you lie and deny.  Because at this stage, neither of you are mature enough.  All I have seen from either of you is lying, stealing, cheating, immaturity, rash decision making, and irresponsibility. 
You think after the divorce I will just go away?  You are stuck with me forever.  We have 4 children together.  And I will continue to fight to protect my children from your midlife crisis whether the divorce is final or not.  Don't think I can?  Just watch me.
Because while you have been busy playing house, acting like a teenager, and shrugging off every bit of responsibility that you have, I have been researching.  Reading. Studying.  Making Phone Calls.  Conducting Interviews.  Doing everything within my power to arm myself with the knowledge necessary to protect my children.
This could have gone an entirely different way.  I wanted this to be civil and I have given you almost everything you wanted, all I asked in return was honesty and respect.  You cannot give me either.  That speaks to your character not mine, and that is not the influence my children need in their lives.
The two of you are poison for each other.  Since you two met you have neglected your families, neglected your friends, lied to everyone who cares about you, done drugs, underage drinking, snuck around, made poor decisions, and thought little of anything in your lives but each other.
It is the unhealthiest codependent relationship I have ever seen.  The girl with daddy issues and the daddy going through a midlife crisis.
GET A GRIP!
You are so delusional to think you can walk out on us, for another child, then move that child in with you, and plan and work to purposely get her pregnant. You are sick. You need help.

You will not win this war, and that is exactly what you have made it.  No you do not scream and curse at me, but that does not matter.  What you do is far worse.  Do you see how many lives you destroyed, including hers?  You do not think she will grow to regret alienating everyone in her life, and resent you?  Do you not think you will one day resent the loss of your family because of her.
You are the only two people in the world who do not think what you are doing is insane.  I wish you two the best of luck.  Go have a ridiculously insane life.  Just keep your crazy away from my children.

Do you remember?

Remember when you used to say you could not imagine what would drive a man to cheat on his wife?
Remember when you said that divorce was not an option?
Remember the pain it caused you to have to split your time between your parents?
Remember when you said you did not understand men who could go out all night when they had a family at home?
Remember when you vowed to love me forever?
Remember how happy we were?
Remember how you said you loved me so much?
Remember how much fun we had together?
Remember the secrets we would share?
Remember the nicknames we had for each other?
Remember playing with our children and doing things as a family?
Remember the kind loving man who used to do anything not to hurt me?
Remember the wife who could always make you laugh?
Remember the wife who knew all your hopes and dreams?
Remember the wife that supported you through change after change?
Remember the children that need both of their parents every day?
Or was it just that easy to forget?

I'm Letting you go

They say I'm losing you, but that's not so
No I'm not losing you, I'm letting you go
If I were losing you my heart would know
But my heart feels no pain, I'm letting you go
I'm letting you go because your love isn't fair
I'm letting you go because your love isn't there
They think I'm losing you, but I want them to know
That I'm not losing you, I'm letting you go
I'm letting you go because your love isn't fair
I'm letting you go because your love isn't there
They think I'm losing you, but I want them to know
That I'm not losing you, I’m letting you go

**This is a really old song, I did not write this**

Staying Power

Staying Power

Original by © Edward Iacona
Edit by Rachel Parrott


When the going gets tough, the tough get going
that's a proverb we've heard before
That doesn't mean for your marriage
you should be quick to use the door.

You made a lifelong commitment
and life isn't always sweet.
Marriage is not like computer spam
you just can't click on DELETE.


You needed change? A different world?
A metaphysical point of view?
Best reassess your circle of trust,
Because real life is not all about YOU.

What then?

What will you do when life catches up
And you are forced to take a look around
See how your life has become a joke
And your dignity can't be found

What will you do when you have to pay your bills
But she wants a new pair of shoes
Or when all of the sex in the world
Cannot cure you of your blues

What will you do when you look at this girl
and realize she is still a child
that all of the attention she gives to you
Is not worth these trials

What will you do when you realize what you had
And all of the moments you have missed with your kids
When your little life crisis comes to an end
And you acknowledge what you did

What will you do when the pain is strong
And the remorse to much to bear
Will you be brave enough to admit your faults
And that what we had was rare

What will you do when your heart opens up
And you realize you do care
And you come searching for life you had
Only to find out we are not there

1992

Just a random list, no real rhyme or reason, just thought, “I wonder what all I was doing in 1992 or had accomplished by 1992.” So here are some things I was doing (or the world was doing):


In 1992….

I was completing middle school

I was having a period

I was playing tournament softball

I had already had my first kiss

I had been to my first school dance

I had my first home run

I “fell in love” for the first time

And in the world…

George Bush threw up on Japanese Prime minister

Mike Tyson was on trial for rape

The Blue Jays beat the Braves in the World Series

Metallica lead singer James Hetfield catches himself on fire during performance

Amy Fisher shot Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Jay Leno makes debut as host of the Tonight Show

Final episode of Golden Girls Aired

Rickey Henderson stole his 1,000th base

Rowdy Roddy Piper becomes WWF Champ

Movies such as Aladdin, Lethal Weapon 3, A Few Good Men, Basic Instinct, Wayne’s World, A league of their own, White Men Can’t Jump, and Candyman were released.

Songs such as Baby Got Back, Jump-by Kriss Kross, Under the Bridge-Red Hot Chili Peppers, I’m too sexy, Achy Breaky Heart, November Rain, Jump Around-House of Pain, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Bohemian Rhapsody, and 2 Legit 2 Quit were released.

Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic” album released



And to think some people were not even born or were infants……

And since 1992 some people have only graduated High School, failed community college classes,  and worked minimum wage jobs; while I have gotten a Bachelor’s Degree, a Master’s Degree, owned my own home (twice), gotten married, had 3 kids, pregnant with a 4th, and held a career.

Also, if you were born in 1992 you were only...

6 years old when my soon to be ex husband and I had sex for the first time
10 When we got married
11 When I had my first child
13 When I had my second
16 When I had my third

I'm just sayin.................

Call me what you want

You can say whatever you want about me
Rip my name to shreds; I don’t care
Say I was bitch and controlled your life
That I was mean and unfair

Tell the world how bossy I am
How we never ever had sex
That the sink was full of dishes
And that is why I am your ex

But make sure you tell the whole story
Don’t leave out the good parts
Make sure to tell them about the affair
And how you broke my heart


Make sure and mention that your troubles with me
You kept hidden in the dark
Never once did you reason with me
Or tell me what was in your heart


Let them know how you told me you loved me
And begged for another child
Make sure to mention how we used to laugh
And of the love you defiled


Make note of the times that you turned your back
And left me at home crying
Left alone to raise our kids
Let them know that I was trying


Don’t leave out how I begged and pleaded
For another chance
That I would have done anything for you
But you wouldn’t change your stance


If you must blame me, do not forget to mention
Of the tears our children shed
Of the pain you are causing them to feel
Because you are out of your head


Call me what you want, you see
I suppose it all could be true
But don’t forget to announce
Of my undying love for you


So draw in a crowd with your “woe is me”
And sing the song of your sad life
And see how many supporters there are
For a man who leaves his children and his pregnant wife

I am done trying to save you

I am done.  I now realize I cannot convince you to see your sins and to be a good person.  It is so obvious to the rest of the world, but I guess you will have to crash and burn on your own.  It is unfortunate that my children have to be pawns in your little life-crisis.  But I am going to focus on us (my children and I) now.  I wish you could be who they need you to be.  This is not about me.  I am fine.  I am a grown-up and will move on and heal.  I have already begun to do just that, but what you have done will have a permanent impression on my children. 
They are what this has always been about. I am not looking for revenge.  I have no desire to try to rebuild what we had because there would always be doubts, and I know that there is an amazing man out there for me.  A man who will love me for who I am, love my children, and be an honest and caring person.  All traits I once thought you to have.  He will also be romantic, but not overly so.  He will love God above all else.  Have a good sense of humor.  Have a career he is proud of. (the amount of money he makes is not important)  I know what I want and I will not settle for less.  He will also have some other, amazing traits, but they are not things I would share with the public ;)
So I am moving on and focusing on the future of me and my children.  I thought I could save you from yourself, but I can't and it is not my job.  I forgive you, but I no longer pity you.  I forgive you, but I will never forget.  I forgive you, but you are on your own. 
What you do is your business, but if your crazy ever spills over onto my children....hell hath no fury.

Through the eyes of a child

Mommy, mommy, come and see, I did this all by myself

Daddy would have been so proud, that I did this with no help

Mommy we used to be so happy, we were the perfect family

Why did daddy change his mind? Why did he have to leave?

Baby, Baby come right here, sit on your mama’s knee

Put your arms around my neck, and put your eyes on me

Sometimes grown-ups make mistakes, and head down the wrong path

But that doesn’t mean that you’re not loved, you just suffer in the aftermath

Mommy and Daddy still love you, a little more every day

But now we will just love you separately, in our own special way

Now sweet angel it is ok to cry, and be a little sad

Things are different now, and I know you will miss your dad

But daddy’s choices we can’t control, we can only control our own

So let’s focus on the blessings we have, and know that you will never be alone

My Loves

Kids say the darndest things

Last night, I was driving home with the boys in my car, and my 5 year old said "Mommy, speed up, there are no cars around to see you going too fast.", and my 7 year old did not miss a beat and said "Bubby, just because no one sees you do it, does not mean it is not wrong.  A sin is a sin whether you get caught or not."  WOW  I was one proud mama.  I have some amazing kids.  And it sparked a great, albeit brief, conversation between us on right and wrong.

I told them how important it was to always try to do the right thing, no matter what other people are doing.  You don't do right if someone else does, and then do bad if someone else does.  You do right because it is the right thing to do and you are a good person, and we want to make God happy. 

I hope one day that completely sinks in with them.  Even on a smaller scale of "you cannot hit your brother because he hit you first". 

Have your kids ever done something that just completely blew you away and you thought "Man, somewhere down the road, I must have really done something right."?