Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

So I know lately my posts have been very "woe is me" and maybe a little bitter.  OK a lot bitter.  But I am hurt.  And confused.  But what I don't want anyone to think is that I think I am some perfect person who made no mistakes and I am an angel on earth. 
I am far from it.  My therapist says eventually I will have to deal with what I did to contribute to the situation and all that crap.  I am not completely ready for that, but I do know I made mistakes.  I was controlling and bossy.  I wanted things done my way.  I did not always respect my STBE (soon to be ex) like I should.  Like the Bible says a wife should respect her husband.  I see that now.  Man, do I see that.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about that. 
Even though the end of our marriage is on his shoulders, I am not innocent on everything.  There are times I wish I could beg his forgiveness for any hurt I caused him.  I know he does not care about hurting me, but that does not mean I still do not want to do what is right.  And part of me thinks that maybe I was so horrible for so long that I killed his spirit and anything in him that even wants to be kind to me.  I hope one day he can get over whatever hurt he has experienced, because we have a long road ahead of us. 
Maybe he is not hurt, maybe he just truly is some anomaly and able to turn himself off like a switch.  Maybe he has a brain tumor.  Hell, I wish I knew.  I don't mind if he blames me for things because I know the truth.  I fought to save our marriage, to fix my flaws, and to rise above the pain.  He did not.  That is really hard for me to accept, that I was not worth trying for.  And for every instance I can recall where maybe I was a bitch mean to him, there are 10 I can recall where I showered him with love.  There are 20 moments for each bad one where we laughed and talked.  I DON'T EFFING GET IT.
Sorry, sometimes, I want to scream.  Just stand outside and scream and cry and throw things. 
I want this to be over.  I wish I could be as numb as he appears to be. 
So, obviously my thoughts are all over the place.  My point is that I know I was not a perfect wife, and I know I have a lot of work to do on me before I am ever going to be able to give myself to a man.  And that is OK.  My concern is my children.  And where I refuse to take any blame, is how he has handled himself as a father.  No matter how he feels about me, he should be there for his kids.  And I have done everything but beg him to be there.  So I am sure that I will continue to wonder, and hypothesize, and second guess a lot of things over the past 8 years.  I know it will take time, and eventually I will think about it less and less.  I am sure that once I have baby Ryan and my hormones are back to normal, maybe I will be too.  Maybe not.  I am OK with that for now.  I have one responsibility right now, and that is to be a mother.  I am not perfect, but I am going to be the best damn mother I can, because the moment I decided to become a parent, life ceased to be about me.  I just wish he saw things that way too.