Remind me not to let my kids write my match.com ad

If you are easily embarrassed, offended by talk of human anatomy, or offended by crude humor...then there is nothing for you here today.  However if those things don't bother you and you want to laugh your butt off.....proceed.

So, I cannot believe I am going to share this with the cyber world, but it is just too damn funny not to.  If it had happened to someone else I would want to tell the world, so I guess I will have to get a little egg on my face this time.

When I first told the boys I was pregnant, they started to ask a lot of questions about how the baby was born.  (Thank goodness they did not ask how she got in there-although that would be a very short story...get it? Oh never mind)  I told them at first the baby was going to come out of my belly.  Don't most kids just accept that fact?  Oh no, not mine.  They freaked out.  They started asking if the doctor was going to cut me open, would it hurt, was I going to die, and eventually started to cry.
So I called an audible, and changed plans at the last moment and told them that the baby would come out of mom's vagina, which is the girl privates.  OK technically, I said I would poop that baby out of my vagina, but now is not the time for specifics.

They began to laugh and laugh.  Then the questions came about baginas (as they call it).  Do all girls have one? Can we see one? Does it look like a wiener?  I tried to calmly answer all of their questions.  Then they became obsessed with talking about it.  They told everyone they could that "Mommy was going to have a baby out of her bagina." If they were not talking about my delivery, they were telling every woman they saw "You have a bagina...it is like your wiener." 

I tried to stop it, I did.  But sometimes it was so stinking funny.  And all it takes is one little laugh from an adult and a kid feels like he has found comedy gold.  Eventually I told them that their wiener was actually called a penis, and I went over the list of rules about their penis.  I never thought I would have to tell someone what to do with their own penis, but apparently, that is not something that comes naturally to men.  They instinctively want to touch it all of the time, but I have to remind them that they should not show it to others, or let others touch it.  We covered "stranger danger" and all of that.

Fast forward a couple of months to this past Saturday.  I took the boys to the Sounds game with Aunt Kiki and Timbone.  We had an AMAZING time.  The boys absolutely loved it, and amazingly, so did I.  The first episode of potty mouth started while we were standing in the Will Call line.  Dillon head-butted Kiki in her stomach and the following conversation followed:

Kiki:        I hope you did not hurt your head on my rock hard abs
Dakota:   *Walking up and smacking Kiki on the butt* I thought this was your rock hard ass
Kiki:        I said ABS, not ass
Dakota:   Abs? I don't know what those are

I thought I may pee my pants.  I know, I know I should have been furious at his potty mouth, and I did reprimand him eventually for using that word, but 2 things came to mind.  The fact that he knows the word "ass" but not "abs" is a giant parenting fail, and not particularly his fault.  Second, he was not trying to have potty mouth, just correcting Kiki on what he thought was an error on her part. 

Fast forward a few more hours and we are in the car on the way home.  What happened next was 1) my fault 2) super embarrassing and 3) the funniest thing ever.

Me:            Dakota, tell Timbone how Ryan is going to be born
Dakota:      Ryan is going to come out of Mommy's bajina
Timbone:   Wow, I don't know what to say
Dakota:      Sometimes babies come out of mommies bellies, but my mommy has babies out of her    bagina.  And since this is her 4th kid, she probably has a humongous bagina. 

::Crickets, Crickets:: and then uncontrollable laughter. 

When I could finally breathe, I told Dakota that we do not ever say that again, and that the number of children does not necessarily correlate to the size of someone's vagina.  At least that is what I tell myself. Well now Dakota knows he has struck a funny bone and wants to continue the conversation. (That and he knew he was at the back of the van so I could not immediately swat him with something, so he was feeling pretty ballsy)

He then begins to talk about how grown ups have hair on their privates and he hopes he never has a hairy penis.  (he actually said a lot more than that, but due to slander laws, I will not write about it)  What happens next is weird, funny, and well, weird.

Dakota:    When I grow up I am going to have a business called "For Wieners Only" and I will make sure no one has a hairy penis, because that is gross.  On second thought, maybe I will hire a pro to do it.
Me:           ::Choking::  You should probably hire a pro, because I do not want to have to tell people that my son shaves penis' (peni?) for a living.
Dakota:     Yeah, and I should probably not discriminate and let baginas in too.

I turned on the radio and no one spoke the rest of the car ride.