When you hit the bottom, you can rollover or bounce

Sometimes, things happen in life, and we are forced to take a look inside ourselves and do a self evaluation. We have to ask ourselves, "What did I do to contribute to this situation?" Typically, we never choose to do this when things in life are going well, because, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It often happens that when life knocks us down, we use that time to self reflect. (Or at least should. We all know the people who use that time to place blame) I was forced to take a hard look at myself and see if I was the person I wanted to be. I made a decision to look at myself honestly, and not to blame others for my behavior or beat myself up over past mistakes, but to learn and grow from those character flaws.


I also decided to stop blaming myself for the decisions of others. I could have no more controlled their actions than I could have controlled the wind. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own decisions. This is not easy to do, and I still battle with blaming myself, but I know that, in time, I will stop doing that, and be able to see much clearer. I have to say that, had you asked me a year ago, what I would have done if I found myself in the situation I am in now, I definitely would not have imagined I would have handled things how I have. I probably would have told you a list of things I would have done, and most would probably have ended in jail time.

Never would I have imagined that I would have handled myself with such faith, grace and courage. I am not trying to pat myself on the back. I have cried, gotten angry, spoken out of anger, and done things that maybe weren’t perfect, but I decided from the start, that I was not going to do or say anything that I would regret later. I try to imagine that everything I do or say will eventually be found out by my children, and I want to be able to look at them with my head held high, and let them know that I did the best I could. That while I did not always make the right choices, I made the choices I felt were best at the time. At night, when everyone is asleep, and I am left alone with myself, I have enough pain and heartache already, without having the guilt associated with making poor decisions.

Sometimes I wish I could time travel back to when I was a teenager, and have a little pep talk with myself. I would tell myself the importance of self esteem, faith, love, controlling my anger, and exercise/diet. I would guide myself to be a better person so that I could be a better wife and mother. There are times I dream of going back in my marriage and changing some of my behaviors and reactions. I wonder how life would be different if I had been then, the person that I am meant to be, and the person I am trying to be now.

Then I smack myself and come back to reality. I cannot go back and change anything, and I would not want to, because even the slightest change could alter my life now, and while there are bad situations in it, I would not risk changing anything. Because outside of the last 7 months, I have had an amazing life. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends. I have my children, and I HAD what I thought was an amazing husband (And truly I am not stupid, I did have someone pretending to be a great husband.  I do not know what happened between now and then). I had my health, a good job, advanced degrees, and I thought I had life in the palm of my hand. I suppose maybe I got complacent and did not nurture the relationships I had. But I still would not change a thing because I am right where I am meant to be. And to be honest, if I knew now how easily someone could become something so disgusting and vile, and lose all sense of morals or compassion, I would have probably avoided them at all costs, and then I would not have the 4 greatest things that have ever happened to me.

So I am not perfect. I struggle with self doubt, fear, anxiety, and anger. But at the end of the day I know that God has a plan for me, and that it will be better than anything I could have imagined for myself.