The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

First, I want to apologize for not blogging sooner.  Life has been hectic, to say the least, and add to that the fact that I have been without a computer, it has made maintaining my blog a little difficult, but I am back now.  Now, on with the show...

It is amazing how, when times are hard, people show their true colors.  That isn't always a bad thing.  Sometimes people surprise you in a good way.  Unfortunately, sometimes people really let you down, or just reveal to you, what you knew deep down, all along. 

Over the last year I have been overwhelmed by the goodness I have seen in people, and the outpouring of support my family has received.  I have made a lot of new friends and strengthened relationships with old ones.  Sadly, I have also seen that some people were never truly my friends (or in some case 'family') and been deceived by those who pretended to want to offer support, but really just thrived off of the drama.  There have been those that I have seen fighting a constant internal battle over the situation, somehow convincing themselves they had to take an "all or nothing" approach.  Instead of "loving the person, hating the behavior" they either turned a blind eye to the behavior, thus enabling it, or abandoned people they claimed to love during their time of need. 

I am not saying it was an easy choice to make.  Most choices aren't.  And the right choices certainly are never easy.  I do not envy anyone who has had anything on the line in everything that has gone on in my life over the last year. Every person in my life, and the lives of my children, has had to make some tough choices, make big sacrifices, take an emotional beating, and watch those they love hurt/cause pain.  I do not envy them at all.  I would say, of all of the 'players' my role was the easiest (if there is such a thing).  I did not have to have that emotional battle between my heart and my brain.  There was no tug of war between revenge and morals.  Why? Because I have four children to protect.  Period.  I don't have options.  I do what is right for my kids.  That is all there is for me to do. And I will do it until the day I die!

So everyone made their choices; right, wrong or indifferent.  Some of those choices hurt me deeply.  Some lifted me up from the depths of my despair.  Some confused me.  I would be lying if I said I did not think about those who hurt or confused me.  I do.  A lot.  How do you claim to be a friend to someone or offer them support and then betray them, or just turn your back on them? I guess it truly shows what type of people they are.  I've never asked anyone to choose a side. To me, there is only one side.  My children.  The rest is just details.

I would like to say to those who hurt or betrayed me, that I hope that one day you experience even an ounce of the pain I have been through in the past year.  But that's not true.  I wish you nothing but happiness.  Your happiness/Sadness does not impact my life.  You have to deal with your own decisions and will answer to God for them one day.  I am not here to judge you.

I wish I could say that I hope someday you need me, and that I will turn my back on you like you did me, and you can see how badly that hurts.  But I can't.  Because I would be there.  And I would help you.  Because that's the type of person I AM.

::Editor's Note::
I am not here to judge anyone, just expressing my feelings.  But "not judging" someone does not mean that I will allow people to do things that hurt me or my children.  I will stand up and voice my opinion to protect my family.  That is not being judgemental.  That is being smart.  And I am not bitter.  I truly am not.  I am hoping that my words maybe reach one person who is hurting and can help them heal.  I don't hold grudges.  I just remember the facts :)

I promise to blog soon

There has just been so much going on that I have not had time to really organize my thoughts, but soon I will!!!! Thanks to those of you who read this!

Game on

I can't save you, but I can save my children from going down with you. It hurts like hell, but it has to be done.

Hormones

I am crying because of you, not over you.
There's a difference, can't you see?
I am not saddened by what we had,
But because of what will never be.

And then...

Sorry to the 5 of you that read this that I have not updated in awhile.  Between the boys' busy schedules and kind of feeling crappy, I just have not had the energy.  But today, I write...I don't have anything to say, but I write anyways.

This pregnancy has had a lot of ups and downs, and I have to say that even though this is my 4th pregnancy, I feel like I have had to relearn everything.  I do not know if things have just changed that much in 2 years, or what, but I feel like I am on an episode of punk'd.  My BP was high so he said he would induce at 37 weeks (because of my history of pre-eclampsia) but I had one normal reading so they said "never mind."

Then I had a 2 week migraine where I could not see or think, and they just kept pushing me full of narcotics to mask the pain.  They said they would induce then, but my BP seemed fine.  So then my BP got up to around 188/100 and I went to Vandy.  They could not find any usable amniotic fluid to measure (has to me space with no umbilical chord in it) and my BP was skyrocketing.  I was partially dilated and effaced.  They said I really needed to be induced, but did not want to do it without my records.  So Monday, the moment I have been waiting for I thought had arrived.  PAINFUL contractions 2-3 minutes apart.  I could not walk, talk, or hardly breathe. 

I went to the hospital and they hooked me up to machines to monitor contractions and Ryan's heart rate, which looked like this:

Then they came back later and checked me and my cervix had not changed.  They gave me two shots of a pain med for pain and to slow labor.  My contractions actually increased so they decided to watch me longer.  This is around 1 a.m. on 6/21.  At 5:30 a.m. I could not take the pain anymore and asked for pain meds.  The meds made the intensity of the contractions a little lower, but did not slow them down.  My BP at this point is ranging from 180/105 to 155/95.  They said that was due to the pain and they were not worried.  (WTF...ugh)

So since my cervix was not changing, they sent me home.  Here is what my contractions still looked like:

So I have been having contractions since Monday night, but nothing is making my cervix change, so here I am.  I have an ultrasound at 1 today to check my amniotic fluids to see if they are low.  They were low last week, and Dr. said if dangerous low today, would induce today, but I doubt it.  I don't know what to believe.

I do know that I am being induced for sure on Monday the 27th.  I have already registered.  Besides key people who need to be there, I want to keep things as calm as possible until Ryan is born.  While I appreciate all of the support I got in my other labors, we all know it can be a long process.  But I want everyone to come and visit after she is born!!!  And honestly, I am not sure how I will be doing emotionally. On one hand I am getting that precious baby girl I have always dreamed of.  On the other hand, I am doing it without her father and the man I thought I would spend my life with.  I cry now as I type this.  I know there is a reason, and I get stronger every day, but the truth is, I am angry. 

Ryan deserves better than this, all my children do.  Hell, I do.  But it is what it is, I can only do what is right for my family, but it does not make the pain go away.  At least not yet.  But hopefully soon I will begin to heal.  Once Ryan is born, a court date will be set, and then it will be kind of like reliving all of the pain again, but at least there will be an end in sight. 

You Don't Have the Right

How could you do this to me?
What kind of person does this?

What kind of fool am I to still care?

I should hate you but I am just hurt.

So hurt. This is not how it is supposed to be.

We had it all planned out.

This is the home we planned.

The family we planned.

How could you just give up?

You gave up without even trying.

How is that even fair?

Didn't we deserve better?

We got no trying, no explanation, just a goodbye.

And now you live your life like you don't have 3 kids and one on the way.

Who are you?

How was it so easy for you?

Did you feel guilty at all when you would come home knowing what you did?

Or letting me fight so hard for something you had no chance of giving me?

Do you have a soul?

How do you look at yourself?

I am your wife dammit. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Doesn't the 12 years we had together mean anything?

What about the secrets we shared?

All of the laughs?

What about sitting and talking for hours?

We shared our hopes and dreams.

How could you walk away when things got tough?

How could you watch me beg and plead, and not care?

How could you throw it all away?

I don't care if you love her.

It still does not give you the right because we loved you.

And you made a promise to us.

Do promises mean nothing?

What about our vows?

What about how hurt you were when your father did this, and you were an adult, but you had no problem doing it to us?

You don't have the right.

I don't know what to say

My daughter will be here within the week and the emotions are overwhelming.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of this place?  Maybe I am not meant to.  Maybe this IS my life.  Part of the reason I have made it this way, and done so well,  is because of denial.  It hit me tonight that I think part of me, back in the back of my mind, felt like something would happen to make this all go away.  To make this all alright.  But that is not going to happen.  Not right now.  There is a lot of pain to still come and I have to accept that.  REALLY accept that.  
We will survive and even be happy.  But it is going to be a long time before things are truly alright.  There is so much more to deal with and work through.  I just hope I am strong enough.  For my children's sake.  I have to be.  I have to accept my role in this, and fix in me what needs changing and then learn to forgive that in others that is not what I thought it would be.  And do it while dealing with all of this and life in general.  I have tried to push these thoughts back and just focus on Ryan and seeing her soon, but it is hard.  It is hard to reconcile the life I have now to the life I had just 10 months ago.  I am still so scare, confused, hurt, sad, and all kinds of other emotions.  But I have my friends, family, children, and of course God, helping me get through this.
I just feel like I am emotionally retarded and should be over this by now.

When are you going to wake up?


When will this all end?

When are you going to put your children?

Before your little friend



When will you meet me in the middle?

When will you understand?

When will you be the person you were?

Instead of this heartless man

Bittersweet

I was thinking this morning how many of life's moments are bittersweet lately.  For every good thing or milestone, there is a painful memory attached.  I always knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but never imagined that looking back on the laughs would make me cry.
I try to stay positive and remind myself how blessed I am, but can't help but fight that something inside of me that reminds me that something is missing.  All of these things happening in life right now with my children, are meant to be shared.  I know I have an amazing support group that I can count on, but that is not how it is supposed to be.
My children deserve to have two parents that are involved in their life.  They deserve to have two parents so excited to share everything with them.  Even if the parents aren't together, they should communicate and share and be able to relate to each other when it comes to their children.  It does not have to be this hard.  If I can put it all behind me, why can't he?  Why am I still treated like the Wicked Witch of the West?
8 years ago today, I found the perfect wedding dress for me and I was so excited to walk down the aisle in one month to marry my best friend.  Never did I imagine that our story would have anything less than a happy ending.  We shared everything.  Were on the same page on so many things, and our different personality types complimented each other so well.  We had already been together for 4.5 years, and I was excited to spend eternity with him.
We had so many happy memories over the years.  I can recall only a couple of truly bad memories.  I was happy.  We were happy.  Truly happy.  I do not know where it all changed, or went wrong, or why.  I can pinpoint almost the exact moment it did though.  I could feel the shift in our relationship and I started fighting like hell.  I did not know what I was fighting against, but I knew what I was fighting for.  I knew I had to fight harder than I have ever fought before.  And I did.  For months.  Even after I knew it was hopeless.  Even when I saw what I was up against, I fought.  I refused to let something ruin what we had built.  To hurt my children.  I lost.  And that was hard for me.  I don't lose.  I win.  That is what I do.  At whatever cost, I succeed.  But when it came to the most important thing in my life, I was not strong enough.  Or good enough.  Or smart enough.  Or pretty enough.  I was not "enough" of something.  That really sucks to realize.
So here I am 8 years later, looking into the eyes of my three beautiful boys and getting ready for my baby shower for my precious daughter, and I am alone.  Not literally, there are plenty of people around, but figuratively, alone.  Fighting this battle that I should never have had to fight, against the one person in the world who knows me well enough to defeat me.  The one person I ever truly let in, all the way.  The one person who knew me inside and out.  And I knew him. I know him.  The real him.  I refuse to believe that this is the real him.  That this despicable, mean, low, trashy, and  shallow person is permanent.  I can't believe that.  Not just for myself, but for the future of my children.
I try to keep the negativity at bay but it is hard.  When I look in the mirror and rub my stomach I get so happy, and then realize that her father has never once done that.  When I am spending time with the boys I feel so blessed, and then feel so sorry for them that their father is sleeping with his teenage girlfriend, or hanging out at his pool. The kids would love to see him.  For him to take them swimming or show any interest.  He blames me for this.  Says since they cannot be around his girlfriend that he cannot see them often.  And there are times I feel like giving in because they miss him so much.  But I know that is not the right thing to do.  It will not help my children to know what their dad is doing.  It will hurt them so badly to know that he has put her first time and time again.  Trust me, I know the hurt.  So I will keep fighting.  I will play the bad guy.  I will take the blame.  I will be his scapegoat.  In the end, I know that I am doing the right thing.  And that my children and I will have a great life, no matter what he does.
I know that.  I believe that.  It does not make it hurt any less.

Funny? Not really

Amazing how it took our children such a short time to see you for what you really are, while I still struggle with it on a daily basis.  You can lie to yourself and tell yourself that I told him those things or gave him those ideas, but I did not have to, and would not have done that.  They are not dumb.  They know when you are around and when you aren't. Stop making excuses and step up your game.

iphone blog venting

How do you talk about divorce like you would talk about the weather? How can you have no emotion when on the phone with your spouse and partner of 12 years, plotting the schematics of the end of everything you worked so hard to build? I know you don't love me but I also know you used to. Doesn't it make you a little sad? How do you not miss "us" at all? Hell you are the world's largest douche bag, and have treated me like the lowest thing on the planet, and I still miss "us". The real us. We were amazing. We had it all, but it wasn't enough for you. We weren't good enough in your eyes. Well, screw you dick. I will use all of these tears to mop the floors with your ass. It hurts so bad now, but not near as bad as you are going to hurt when you realize that you threw out your family and kept the trash.

scars

This past month at church, we have been talking about “scars”. Every scar has a story…a risk that was taken, a good idea gone bad, the wrong place at the wrong time, a crash and burn moment, a deep wound, a slow healing, a memory.


Pastor Danny has been covering how scars serve as reminders to help better us. To remind us of decisions we made, or show us how far we have come. Some of the things in the series have been utterly amazing, but this last week, some things really hit home.

How Pain Becomes Passion and Purpose

Mourn your loss, but turn it into movement.

That is what I want to do. I do not want to eternally grieve over what I have lost but turn it into something better. Candy Lightner, could have crawled up into a shell of sorrow when her daughter Cari was killed by a drunk driver in 1980. But she didn’t. She used her pain to help save others and founded M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers). While I am not comparing my situation to what Candy went through, because I cannot even fathom the loss of a child, but what life has presented me with over the last year has been the hardest thing I have gone through personally, and I do not want it to be in vain. I am not suggesting I will start a group for people in my shoes, but maybe start smaller. Maybe start at home, by upping my game a little, and being the best parent I can be so that I raise children who will not repeat the mistakes of their parents. I want to break the cycle. Maybe I reach out to people at church or in the community who are hurting and help them to deal with their pain and sense of loss.

2 Samuel talks about when David had an affair that resulted in his mistress becoming pregnant. The child died very early on and 2 Samuel 12:22-24 says:

He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.


Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon.”

Think about that. David sinned by having an affair, and his consequence was the loss of his child. But when he made amends and went to his wife, she became pregnant and had a very healthy child, named Solomon.

The way I like to rephrase that is that David repented and his wife gave birth to WISDOM!!! King Solomon represents wisdom throughout the bible, yet he almost never was. David could have been stubborn and not repented, or gotten angry with God for letting his other child die, but he didn’t. He pressed forward, and the world is certainly glad he did.

Press through Pain; Don’t Medicate the Pain
I am not trying to argue for or against prescription meds that a qualified doctor says you need. I am referring to medicating your pain with illegal drugs, alcohol, food, sex, etc… Any other unhealthy outlet. You CAN get through anything as long as you have faith.

Pain Threshold = You’ll only grow in life, in love, in career, in your purpose to the level of your pain threshold.

How much can you take? I bet it is a lot more than you think. I never thought I would make it is far as I have, in such good condition, but I get a little stronger every day. (Thanks to God and a wonderful support group) I get a little more confident every day. I get a little better every day. I am growing to be the woman God has called me to be. There is a WINNER in you and a LOSER in you. The one you listen to the most determines your future.

This is an easy choice to make. I am going to be a winner.

Connect You Pain to a Purpose and Passion

This kind of relates to earlier about not suffering in vain. I just try to look at it as I am going to suffer, this hurt is going to happen, so what am I going to do about it? I am going to suffer for nothing, or am I going to bring some hope out of the pain? I want there to be a lesson in this. Of course I am only human, there are times that I want to say “Take all of the pain back Lord. I will live a mediocre life, and forego the amazing life I know you will reward me with, if you just take this pain away.” But I know that is not what is meant to be. God has shown that he sees me as a special child, strong enough to handle the pain, and wise enough to turn this test into a testimony. I cannot argue with the Big Guy.

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest. (PS 126:5-6)

Um, what was I thinking?

I do not know if it has occurred to any of you out there in cyber land, but I am about to be a single mom of 4! Yes 4 kids.  Me. SINGLE MOM OF 4 KIDS.  Say that out loud.  Let it sink it.  Swirl the words around on your tongue like you are trying a new wine. Done?  Are you as panicked as I am?
I mean, first of all, becoming a single mom all of the sudden, was a tough transition.  I had to change the way I looked at everything. 
Then being a single, pregnant mom, has been a tough transition as well.  Not that I need a partner physically (although it has been 4 months and 22 days...not that I am counting) but the emotional support of the "baby daddy" would be nice.  I guess I can "want in one hand, and poop in the other, and see which one fills up faster." (I think I learned that from "Mama's Family")
I have 3 wonderfully smart, funny, happy, wild, unruly boys at home.  They are my world and I love them more than life.  They will be the reason I drink, cuss, and go grey, but they are the greatest joys in my life.  But they are a full-time job.  And now...
I am about to (in < 47 Days) add a precious baby girl to the mix.  How?!? Wha?!?! AHHH!!!!!  First, no matter how well behaved, a 4th kid is a 4th kid.  There will be midnight feedings, diaper changes, crying fits, and all of the other stuff associated with having a newborn and then the three boys on top of that, and THEN doing that as a single mom.....If I survive this, I will nominate myself for Woman of the Year. 
And then, it is a GIRL.  I do not know what to do with girls.  I am a girl, always have been, but I have never had to completely care for a girl.  I mean, changing girl diapers?  Give me a ball sack any day, at least there are not crevices for things to hide in.  Just because I have vagina, does not mean I am an expert.  I mean I am more equipped I suppose than a man is, but still, ....
And I have to admit, the girl clothes and accessories, are kind of addicting and I think I will enjoy dressing her up, but I am not so sure I am completely equipped for that.  I mean, I have never been the "pink frills and bows" type of girl.  I am more of the "comfortable jeans and T-shirt" type of girl.  Or the "Wear my pajamas all day" type of girl.  I think I am going to have to have my sister lay out Ry's clothes for me, so I make sure they match.
And then there is the issue of keeping Ryan safe from the well-meaning, but overly excitable, Dalton.  I know he will love his baby sister, but I still think he will also want to experiment on her ("I wonder if I push baby off of the couch if she will bounce?")  And with everything the boys have going on in their lives, how will I make sure they all still get the individualized attention they need?  So that they do not feel abandoned by me too? 
How in the world did people "back in the day" have like 6-10 kids?  Really?  I think my vagina will pack up and leave if I even mention having another kid.  My sanity will soon follow.   And then, let's just ignore the giant clusterfuck cloud of chaos that my life is becoming, and start thinking more towards the future.  My life is woefully unequipped with men.  Not romantic interests, but just men in general that my boys spend a lot of time around to be good influences on what a man should be.  There are just far more women in their lives.  I worry about them having several strong male influences in their lives.  I know this a little premature to worry about, but worrying is what I do best.
Finally, at one point (way down the road), I am going to want to date.  I have never had to do this.  I mean truly, I had the same boyfriend in high school, and met the STBE first semester of college and there was no real courtship to speak of.  I have never been picked up on a date, and gone to dinner or whatnot, and then brought back home.  Stood on my porch wondering if he was going to kiss me (not to mention the fact that I have not kissed anyone other than the STBE since October 1998.) 
And actually, worrying about the actual date is secondary to finding a date.  How do people meet people?  And seriously, who wants to date a woman with 4 children?  Truly, besides my bad attitude sparkling personality, I do not bring much to the table.  4 young kids, a hectic life, limited free time, and a lot of debt.  That would be my tag line for my online dating ad.  I do not forsee a lot of "takers".  However I do have a couple of pluses that most do not have.  My last OBGYN said that I had a beautiful cervix (men care about that right?) and my current OB says I have the most textbook, perfectly symmetrical vagina he has seen since med school.  Surely that has to mean something...Not every day you meet someone who has a medical "seal of approval" on their girlie parts. 
OK so now I am spiraling out of control.  Baby steps.  First things first.  Prepping for Ryan.  And then, slowly, day by day,  I suppose I will learn to adjust to this life, and make the most out of it.  Turn my test into a testimony.  But on the for real, I AM ABOUT TO BE A SINGLE MOM OF 4 KIDS!

Videos That Make Me Happy

Here are just some songs and videos that make me a little happy to hear...or sad sometimes, but mostly empowered.  So just some suggestions of mine to add to your iPod.

Joey and Rory - Cheater Cheater

The Veronicas - Revenge is Sweeter

Ashton Shepherd - Look It Up

Adele - Rolling in the Deep

Adele - Rumour Has It

Adele - Don't You Remember

Civil Wars - Poison and Wine

Fleming and John - Ugly Girl

S.I.L. Part 6 - The final chapter (for now)

If words like "primal Sex" and "boobs" bother you...do not read any farther (and lighten up a little)

This is all I have for my "Suck it List" thus far.  I have some ideas for some other things to add, but for right now, this is all I have completely worked through.  See my prior blogs to catch up on the first 5 installments.

This last batch of ideas is by far my favorite.

27. Take my kids to the circus-So those of you who know me already know, but I suffer from Coulrophobia, the fear of clowns. Hence, I have never taken my kids to the circus. They have been before, but not with me. I want to take them to the real deal circus. I do not expect not to be afraid, but to fight that fear, for my kids.

p.s. this is a legitimate fear. Clowns kill people. Fact.

28. Get a boob job-What? I am human, and when it is time to wear that bikini, I want a brand new pair of tatas to go with it. While I do not want a huge size (a C is plenty for me) I want them perky, and I want people to know I paid good money for them or found a guy to pay good money for them. I want them to feel real (And yes, I will offer for people to touch), but when you look at me in a bikini instead of people asking “Do you think those are real?” I want them to say “I have got to get the name of her doctor!”

29. Teach a college course-I want to know so much about a certain subject that the Board of Regents deems me an appropriate person to mold the minds of our youth (Scary thought huh?). I want to inspire a student to follow my footsteps in the field of {insert specialty here}. I also want to either be the cool teacher (not a bird class, but a cool teacher) or the really tough teacher that the students hate at first but come to realize down the road that I was an important figure in who they have become. Then they thank me when they hit it big in whatever it is they do, name their first born after me, and send me cards on my birthday.(preferably with money in it)

30. See things from someone else’s point of view-This may come as a shock to some of you, but I can be kind of stubborn. I may or may not always think I am right. (But I really do not see the problem, if you are always right-which I am) I want to truly take the time to see something from someone else’s view. I may not agree with them in the end, but I will have a better perspective of where they are coming from. Areas that are not included in this are religion and politics.

31. Let you know exactly what I feel- Yes this “you” is specific. There is only one “you” in this scenario. I want to tell you exactly how I feel. I want you to know, in excruciating detail, how much your betrayal has hurt me, and forever altered who I am. I want you to know how much it has affected my children. I want to let you know how truly/madly/completely I loved you, and how happy we could have been (We could have been so happy.  The stuff fairy tales are made of.  We could have been the forever type love that is so rare). I hope by the time I am at a point to do this, that I can also tell you, and sincerely believe, that I am better for what I went through. That I am stronger. That I do not need you. And that I have realized what true love really is, and I am completely and deliriously happy. I hope this happens sooner rather than later, but right now, I am not at that point yet. I am still too confused mad bitter angry miffed pissed destroyed consumed hurt.

32. Take a compliment/gift-I know that sometimes I seem ungrateful or entitled. I truly do not feel that way; I just have a really hard time accepting a compliment or a gift. I get all nervous like, and I don’t want to come off as arrogant or needy, but want to be thankful, and it just comes across as bitch. I am working on it.  Really.  I am.

33. Have music video sex- OK, you know what I am talking about? (You may not have experienced it, I haven't but I know what it is) That sex where words aren’t necessary. Where body language, scenery, a public place or counter top, and Enrique Iglesias are all you need. Primal sex. No holds barred sex. The sex that leaves no doubt about how you feel about the other person and breaks down all barriers. The sex that you will never be too tired for. I want to know what that is like, even if just once. But hopefully over, and over, and over, and….you get the point. (Note for those who get their feathers ruffled easy. I am having my 4th child, so I am no longer a virgin. SHOCK. And the man in this scenario is my future husband. (Sidebar-my future husband is amazing. I cannot wait for you all to meet him. I know everything about him, except his current location and name)

S.I.L. Part 5

See my previous posts for the first four installments of my Suck It List.  Here are some more things I WILL DO.  Also, this makes for a good blog filler when I have not had time to write anything profound :)

21. Learn a trade-So I know this is really odd and maybe not the most practical use of my time, but I want to go to Auto Mechanic School. I want to know how to work on cars. We all know people with car trouble, or have car trouble of our own. I want to be able to fix that. I want to be covered in oil with a rag sticking out of the back of my jean pockets. Actually, I think that is the opening scene to a movie I once saw, but we won’t talk about that.  I also would like to go to Beauty School.  I never want to be a practicing hairstylist, but would like to be able to cut my kids hair (well), and help friends out too!


22. Make Friends with someone I don’t like-I don’t like a lot of people (Surprise), and that does not bother me. Life is too short to be around people you do not like. I just don’t think it is necessary. But sometimes I wonder if there are people I do not like, but if I got to know them, I would like.  I want to see that potential in someone and go for it. If it does not work out, at least I tried. I am blessed to have real friends.  Friends who I have known forever and ever, and they still love me.  They have seen the good and the bad in me, and they push me to be better.  They don't enable, they just love!

23. Win the Lottery-This really does not need an explanation. I want to hit it big. I want to tithe first thing. Then donate. Then put in savings. And then pay off debt. And then be frivolous.
 Actually on second thought, I want my parents to win the lottery.  Then they can make sure to handle all of their stuff, I know they will give me enough money to relieve a burden, but not be a burden, and then they have to handle the taxes ha ha
24. Do a stand up set-So a gal walks into a bar…..and signs up for open mic night. I want that to be me. We all know I am the funniest person alive, but I have never sat down and written anything.  I may stink at that.  I am a situational humorist, meaning that the bigger a-holes the people around me are, the funnier I am.  I just like to watch others, and then point out in a comedic way, all of their flaws.

25. Inspire someone-This is a hard thing to gauge because maybe you inspired someone, but they never told you that you inspired them, so you never know. But I want to inspire someone to be the best person they can be. To live their life to the fullest and to love themselves….I just have to get to that point myself first. And maybe I can inspire from a "Do as I say, not as I do" standpoint, but I want everyone, even people I do not like, to become the best version of themselves possible.  That way, when you meet God, hopefully you will be all used up and you can say "Lord, I used up every talent that you gave me.  I let none of Your gifts go to waste."

26. Not care what others think-This may be one of the hardest on the list for me. I want to live my life the way I see fit, and only worry about how God sees me. I want to blog about what I want, express my feelings the way I want, and not be afraid to be me. If other people do not like it which I hope they do then they can remove themselves from my life. Or not read what I write. Or go fornicate themselves with a telephone pole.  In a lot of ways I believ that if you are living your life right, then you should not have to worry or censor yourself.  But no one is perfect and my idea of right may not be someone else's idea.  Some people think profanity is the worst thing ever, and me, I use profanity the way Picasso used a paint brush. 

My First Mother's Day Without You

I thought of you first thing this morning
But that is nothing new
I thought of you yesterday
And probably will tomorrow too

But today it was different
I did not feel longing or regret
I thought of you and felt pity
Because I have something you will never get

I did not get to sleep in late
Or get breakfast in bed
But I awoke very early
To "I love yous" in my head

Because our children woke me up
Just like they do every day
with smiles, hugs, and kisses
While in a bed of  sin you lay

You don't admit, you still lie
and pretend you are doing fine
But your body betrays you and tells the truth
With your sagging eyes and receding hair line

So claim your victory, and pump your fists
Live your life vicariously
I have what you will soon miss
And they wake up every morning with me

Happy Vaginal Destruction Celebration Day

So, I was sitting trying to think of a good topic for Mother's Day, and I thought "I wonder what I wrote about last year?" and then it hit me, I bet my list of what I would want for Mother's Day this year, is way different than last year.  So below is my blog from last year (with the strike through) and then my thoughts/comments/opinions from this year.

What I really want for Mother’s Day


• Not to HAVE to wake up. Let me try to sleep in. I will wake up by 8:30 or 9 anyways, so just let me pretend that I am sleeping in really late.
So, this is still nice in theory, everyone would like a little extra sleep, but truly, I am so blessed to wake up to my amazing children that I do not care what time it is.

• Not to be in charge of food. I spend a lot of time planning meals for the family, most of the time, at least 50% of the house complains that they do not like the meal (even though they loved it last week.) I cook while 3 midgets run around at my feet, fervently believing that I will not hit them with a frying pan. You take care of it. You know what I like, you know what they like, just heat it up and serve it.
Again, is it nice to be cooked for? Sure.  But in the grand scheme of things, it is not that big of a deal, and now, it is no one's responsibility but my own.  I am sure my dad will end up cooking though, and it will be wonderful, but if not, I will make my favorite meal.  It will taste the same going down whether I make it or someone else.

• Not to be interrupted during my “me” time. I do not know exactly what “me” time is, but if I figure it out, I would like to enjoy it in peace. I may read a book on the porch, watch a Lifetime move, or do naked yoga in the backyard. Who knows? The world is my oyster (for one day.)
I would love to read.  Definitely not going to do naked yoga (you are welcome neighbors) but if I do not get a chance to, no big.  I get to spend the entire day with my children, and that is what I want to do.  Amazing how just changing your perspective makes a difference.  I used to long for a break, now I long to be with them as much as possible.  It is like I am not complete if they are not around.
• Not to head up bath time: It’s my least favorite thing, hands down. I end up covered in more water than they are. I get peed on. I get yelled at. Someone always gets hurt. My only request is that you actually use soap and help them out. Having them splash around in their own funk does not count as a bath.
Ok so this is still my least favorite chore.  Especially being extremely pregnant, it makes it difficult and uncomfortable.  But they love it.  And I love to hear them laugh.  So, not such a big deal.  I will just make sure to wear my slicker and put towels on the floor.  Let the splashing begin.
• Not to wipe a butt. ‘Nuff said.
Ok, would still enjoy not wiping a butt.

• Not to have to feign excitement over the gift you got me that I do not want/need/like. I have told you that I do not want anything. We are broke. We are also blessed. What I want does not have a monetary value. I want to be able to spend time with my kids playing and being the fun parent, and pretending that my kids are the perfect angels I tell people they are, and let you deal with reality.
Man, I can be a real bitch.  I get the emotions behind this. I feel my frustration.  But man, do I regret those words.  I actually cried for about 20 minutes after reading this.  I will love whatever I get, even if it is just a hug.  And if it is a purchased item I will love it not for what it is, but for the thought behind it.  And my children are perfect angels in my eyes.  I am working very hard to make sure they know this daily, and to make sure that I never take them for granted.  To never take anything for granted.  At the end of the day, I have everything that is truly important in life, and am blessed to wake up to them daily, and get their kisses each night.

• Not to be judge and jury. I spend a good deal of time breaking up fights, determining who started it, and then punishing the guilty party. (Or sometimes just punishing everyone to avoid the “jury” part)
I can wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which one fills up faster.  I am a single mom.  I am the judge and jury, and that is ok.  Because when all is said and done, I will have taught them right from wrong, and how to be good people.

• A nap. It is required of our children so they do not turn into intolerable dictators, for this one day, I would like to make it mandatory for myself. (And yes I want to nap alone.)
Amen

• To be recognized for what I do. I am not a perfect mother or a perfect wife. In fact, in most areas of my life, I reign supreme in mediocrity. But if you add up all of the things I do semi-well and roll them all into a daily to-do list, I think it makes me somewhat of a Super Hero. (And since it is MY day, do not ruin this illusion for me.)
I don't need the recognition.  My reward will be when my children have grown into wonderful people, and I know they will.  And I am not perfect but I am trying harder than I have ever in my life.  My only goal is to be a great mom.  I am no longer a wife, so I guess I was a far less perfect wife then than I thought.  But it is what it is.  When it came down to it, and I was faced with adversity.  I rose to the challenge.  I fought for what I believed in.  I did not "win" but I did my best.  That is all I ask for from my children, and all I can ask for from myself.
• To enjoy the 3 little blessings that allow me to celebrate this Holiday. I love you Dakota, Dillon, and Dalton.
Add in Ryan, and this is right on target.  I love my children.  I do.  They drive me nuts.  They are loud.  They are messy.  They can be smart mouths.  But they are also loving.  They are kind.  They are so happy.  They love their mom.  And they love each other.  I cannot complain when I have so much to be thankful for.  So what if I am not where I thought I would be at this point in life.  I have the opportunity to be a good mother to some amazing kids, and was given the opportunity to look deep inside myself and make the changes to be the person God wants me to be. 

Happy Mother's Day to everyone, especially my mother.  She has always supported me and been there for me even when I was moody and ungrateful, and I love her very much.

Another thrilling installation of my Suck It List.  To catch up on the prior lists, follow this link Suck It List 4 . 

15. Get my PhD-Pretty simple. I want to go back to school. I do not know what I want to major in. I just want to go. I like school. Your education is something that can never be taken away from you. Even if you don’t pay your student loans trust me on this one. My degrees are mine, all mine, and something I am very proud of. I hope that my love for higher education serves as a path for my children to follow.


16. Skydive-A plane, a parachute, free fall, that’s it. This will probably be last on my list.

17. Give back to the community-I want to volunteer not because people will think “Oh look at her she is so great”, but because the community, MY community, needs it. I am not overly concerned the welfare of those in other countries.  I know that sounds bad.  I mean I care, but I think we should start at home.  Build our nation strong so that we can better help other countries.  There are people starving HERE, babies that need adoption HERE, sex trafficking HERE.  I know I am not an expert on all of that, I just fill called to start close to home. I do not have any ideas specifically for how to do this, but I want to, and will, when the time is right. Maybe I will help at a homeless shelter, or maybe mentor teenage girls so that they do not grow up to be home wreckers. Ya know, just whatever.

18. Save Money-I CANNOT SAVE MONEY. IT BURNS A HOLE IN MY POCKET, IF THERE IS ANY LEFT AFTER PAYING BILLS. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19. Try a new food every month-So I do not have the most diverse palate and I would like to try new things and learn to eat a wider variety of foods. Especially when I resume my Gluten Free diet, I will have to start liking new foods.  I want to be the person who go to any restaurant or any event and not stress over if there will be anything I like to eat there.  I guess, I would like to be someone who does not stress over food period.  Note to self: Change therapy appoints from bi-weekly to weekly.

20. Give a speech- FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, LEND ME YOUR EARS. I want to give a speech. Topic TBD. I want to talk to a group of kids or other adults and educate them on something. I want to lead. I want to talk about something I am so versed in that no matter what questions are asked, I can answer.

S.I.L. Part 4

Ok, so it continues, to see the first 3 parts, follow these links: Part 1 , Part 2 , and Part 3!!!

My "Suck It" List.  Things I am going to do, just to prove them wrong. 

10. Wear a bikini-Technically I could wear one now, but I doubt anyone would appreciate it. I want to wear a bikini and make it “do what it do”. I want to turn heads. I want the sight of me in a bikini to men sweat, women envy, and exes regret. I will do it. It will be hard, but it will be done.


11. Sleep under the stars-Ok I think I would love this, but with a few stipulations. There cannot be bugs, so that might just nix this idea all together. I love the idea of camping and being outdoors and being one with nature and all that crap, but I do not like bugs. uugghhh I mean, who do they think they are?  I get it, you can fly....I am pretty jealous, but I don't need you all up in my business.

12. Take a Dance Class-Ok if you have ever seen me dance; you have probably wanted to pay for me to have one of these. I have no rhythm. I can’t dance. But I want to learn how. Actually I want to learn a routine or a few moves that I could pop out anytime and it would work. People would think I had natural ability, but reality I am counting in my head and trying really hard not to look like I am having full body convulsions.

13. Truly love with all of my heart (a man) -And not regret it. I want to love with all of me. I want to give all of me to someone, without the fear of being hurt or rejected. I want to let down the barriers that I have kept up for so long. I want to love so completely that even if it did not work out, I could not regret the experience. And of course, I would love to be loved back. I want it all.  I have been given a second chance, and I want to take it. 


14. Fight for something I believe in-I want to start a petition. Lead a rally. Have a sit-in. I want to truly fight for what I believe in and take the necessary steps to make a change. I think I would be awesome at this. I just don’t have a “cause” yet. Most political issues I do not feel that strongly about, I am not into saving things like animals and nature, and I don’t believe in global warming. I want to fight for something personal. It may end up being a small battle, like the one I am fighting for my children, but I want to fight hard, fair, and I want to win.

S.I.L. Part Trois

To start at the beginning, see my original posts that go along with this theme. Suck It List Part 1 and Suck It List Part 2 .  And here are the next set of items I want to do, will do, just because someone told me I can't.

7. Go to Hollywood-And I promised Dakota I would take him and try to meet Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez. I want to have lunch where the stars do, browse in stores I could not afford to really shop in, enjoy the weather, and have fun. There is nothing super about this wish, just something I want to do. I also want to visit my favorite spots from the movie "Pretty Woman" and reenact my favorite scenes. "Big Mistake.  HUGE!"  Maybe I will take all of my boys and be mistaken for Victoria Beckham...wait, no that would never happen...




8. Go to NYC-preferably when it is not TOO cold. I want to feel the hustle and bustle. I want to hail a cab, ride on a subway, and buy a hot dog from a cart. I want to go to a big night club.  I want to give random people the finger.  I want to visit Ground Zero.  That is all.



9. Write a book-So people tell me I should look into this a lot, and I would love to. But just having a good story to be told, does not a writer make. I need to hone in my writing skills, and get to a point in life where I can really sit down and write. I want to write about my life, I want to write a children’s book, and I would love to write a song too, actually. Whatever the medium, I want to write and make a living at it. I want to pay my bills because people believe what I have to say is important/funny/inspirational/entertaining. Or maybe because what I have to say is so ridiculous that people want to read it.  Just as long as they buy it.  But there are a lot of obstacles in my way.  The first being the aforementioned skills, the second being even knowing how to get a book published, and the third, which is a big thing, having the time to actually sit down and really write.  I want to pour all of me into my writing.  I want it to be something I am proud of.  I want it to represent me, and my beliefs.  I want it to be real.  I want people to relate to it.  I WANT I WANT I WANT lol

Breastfeeding and blogging from my iPhone.

On the way to the dentist, I was talking to Dakota and Dillon and telling them how baby Ryan would be here soon. Dakota said "I hope we have enough baby food.". And I said "Well actually, mommy is going to try to breast feed so there is always free food for the baby." The boys asked me what breastfeeding meant. I thought about it and decided they were going to find out soon enough so...."Boys, sometimes God gives mommies food, like milk, in their boobies to feed their babies.". YUCK GROSS DISGUSTING is all I heard. Dillon said "Sick mom, like a cow?" Then they seemed genuinely confused on how the baby gets the milk out. I told them Ryan would drink right from my boobs. That was it. They were officially grossed out. Dillon said "You mean she will put her mouth on your nostrils?" Dakota said "They aren't nostrils dummy, they are called nibbles. Nostrils are what the doctors took out of our throats.". At that point I was not sure whether or not to continue to explain breastfeeding or to correct their gross misunderstanding of the human body. Suddenly, my car stalled and died, and I have never been so excited to break down in my life. My car started back up momentarily, but by that point the boys had moved onto talking about Pokemon and I was able to finish my drive without talking about the female anatomy.


*this blog was composed using my iPhone, hence the lack of formatting.

I feel the need, the need to breed

OK, so I have been thinking about my life, and trying to find some humor and/or irony, and there is a lot to look at and smile.
The first is, I never thought of having kids and I am now pregnant with my 4th.  Yes I know how it happens, no they are not all planned, but they are all the biggest blessings in my life.  I guess birth control was never a huge deal when I was with a committed, loving man who wanted to be a good father.  But never the less it was always a joke among friends and family that I should really stop procreating, since admittedly, I am not the best at being pregnant. (However, on the flip side, I am a total bad ass at the actual delivery)
And when I got pregnant this time, I was already suspicious that something was not right in my marriage, and actually the day after I told my husband I was pregnant, he told me he no longer loved me.  From that point on, my pain and confusion accompanied me everywhere.  However, I did not share my fears with many.  So the responses I got to my pregnancy ranged from shock, disappointment, and excitement. 
What is ironic are those who were not all aboard the baby train at first, but give them the ol' "My husband has been doing the horizontal polka with a teenager" and all of the sudden this baby is God's miracle for me.
First of all let me say that this baby is definitely a miracle for me.  Not only am I getting the daughter I never thought I would have, but having this baby growing inside me during this trying time, has given me an inner peace and sense of calming that otherwise I would not have.  Also, due to the fact that my eggo is preggo, I have not had a drink since all of this came about.  Who knows what I would have done had I been able to turn Sutter Home instead of God.  Actually, I know what I would have done, and it would not be something I would be proud of.  Actually, it is pretty bad ass...I confront them at a night club and I am looking super hot, and then...OK maybe now is not the time.
My point is that if anything, now is not the time to be pregnant when looking at the stress levels, financial situation, and an already full plate.  But because now people feel sorry for me, they have changed their mind.  Not that they would not have loved Ryan no matter the situation, but now I am convinced I am baking the most spoiled baby ever.  There are a line of people who want to make up to her for the fact that she is being born into a less than ideal family dynamic. 
I am not complaining, I totally dig the attention she gets, but I just find it ironic that in one quick move (And I was not there, but from my experience it was quick) my life was totally changed.  And the way people saw me changed.  Some see me as a victim.  Some may think I deserve what is happening.  Some may see me as a warrior determined to make the best of a crappy situation.
Truth is, it does not matter how other's see me.  It matters how I see me, and how my children perceive me.  And while right now I am the slave driver who is trying to keep our ship from sinking, I am confidant that soon enough they will see me for the totally kick ass mom that I am.  I hope that all of this makes us closer. I hope that one day ,when we are all ready, we will forgive completely. 
And on the plus side, one day, fingers crossed, I will meet the man I am supposed to be with.  The man who makes me laugh, is not afraid to put me in my place, but picks his battles.  The man who loves my children as if they were his own.  Future husband will be tall and love God.  He will not be afraid to make a fool of himself but is so debonair that he rarely does.  He will show my children how a man should treat a woman.  He will show me how to open up and love with all my heart.  He will show me how to have multiple orgasms find the passion inside myself.
OK so apparently my mind is all over the place right now.  My point is that life is all about perspective.  That my Mr. Perfect is out there somewhere.  And that while the last 8 months have been painful, I know that there is something better ahead (even though I still have a long road of pain to travel). 
And even though there are some delusional people out there, determined to blame me, and hurt me, no matter the cost.  I will rise above it.  It is hard.  I feel like I cry more than I smile, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.  I will do what is right because it is right, and let others continue to hang themselves.  I will protect my kids the best way I know how, and make sure they are happy and healthy.  I thought I could make people see the error of their ways but I can't.  I am the one who has everything they can only dream about, and that is my perspective.

"Suck it List" Part 2

Continuation of my list I published earlier.  Go back to "Suck It" List: Part 1 to start from the beginning.  So without further ado, here is part 2...

4. Let Loose- Ok so those of you who know me know that I do not seem to have the gene that causes embarrassment or the filter between my brain and mouth. I may appear to “Let Loose” often. But I want to really let loose so that means that there will be no alcohol involved. I want to do something spontaneous with no plan, just freedom. I want to take off to the beach one day with no notice just to put my toes in the water. I want to….well I don’t know, and I am getting anxiety thinking about it, so this will definitely not be one of my first bucket list items to be completed.


5. See over 8 inches of snow-It snows here. We get snow days. But I have never truly seen the snow from movies that you have to shovel, that can make a real snowman, and that you do not have to pick the dirt out of to make snow cream. I do not want to see it for long, because quite frankly, being cold sucks, but I do want to see it.

6. Make Amends-As the great Peter Cetera once said “It’s hard to say I’m Sorry”. There are things I want to apologize for, when the time is right. I want to unload every feeling of guilt, blame, and self loathing. So maybe this is a selfish act, but I consider it an emotional purification. And there are several people on that list, some of them reading this now.  But this is hard. And I will do it in person, because that is important. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.

I can't wrap my brain around it

Was I that bad?  Was I such an insufferable bitch that it is worth walking out on your family?  How do you look at your children as they beg you not to leave them?  As the scream "Daddy please don't leave", and not even shed a tear?  Just walk away and leave me here to pick up the pieces.  And I will.  But it is hard.  Do you know how badly I still hurt?  That my heart is still in pieces.  That I want to yell with them, "Please don't leave us.  I can change.  I will do better.  I will do anything if you just say you will stay."
And then I feel so guilty, because I am the reason you left.  It was nothing they did, it was me.  I could not make you happy.  I wanted to.  I tried.  I would have done anything for you.  And I still wasn't good enough.  Why wasn't I good enough?   I know I was moody, demanding and controlling. But I was also faithful, self sacrificing, and absolutely and irrevocably in love with you.  I know I made you laugh, and when we held each other there was a connection that cannot be denied. 
I wish I could hate you.  After everything you have done to me, and continue to do to me and our children.  But with each thing you do that hurts me, it just makes me feel more guilt that I was so horrible to be with, that you could treat me this way.  I wish I knew how to stop the hurt.  I wish I knew how to dry the tears, but I don't.  And it kills me to watch my children suffer.  If I could do something to change this I would.  I would sacrifice my happiness to make them happy, just tell me how. Someone tell me how to make this better.

"Suck It" List: Part 1

In January, I started working on a bucket list.  A list of things I want to do before I die.  Then I thought, "I could die tomorrow", so a bucket list is not what I need.  So I decided to make a list of things that I wanted to do, for me.  Things I want to do because I want to do them, and they can be selfish or benevolent, but they would be mine.  And if people don't like it, then they can suck it.  Hence, my "Suck it List"  It is a long list and getting longer, so I will just occasionally post a few of my wishes at a time.

1. Go to an Island – A private island would be great, but any ol’ island will do. I want to see crystal blue waters, and just be away from it all. Sun, Sand, and Surf. And a super hot “local” would not be a bad addition either ;)


2. Preach a Sermon- Maybe not a sermon, but give my testimony. Stand in front of the church and lay it all out. I am not ready for that yet. My story is still being written. BUT when I find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and I know I will, I want to be able to share that with others.

3. Punch someone in the face – OK, so I know this does not go with the faith/christian/tolerance thing I have been promoting, but I am only human. And while right now I can think of a couple of people I would like to punch in the face, the truth is, I just want to feel the adrenaline rush. And as much joy as I may get now from punching certain people (and trust me I have envisioned it); I think I would want my punch to be nobler. Maybe I will stop a thief from stealing an old lady’s purse, or protect someone less fortunate from a bully. All I know is that I think, with a little practice, I could really do some damage. I have even been practicing my own tag lines for after the punch. It will be EPIC.

Remind me not to let my kids write my match.com ad

If you are easily embarrassed, offended by talk of human anatomy, or offended by crude humor...then there is nothing for you here today.  However if those things don't bother you and you want to laugh your butt off.....proceed.

So, I cannot believe I am going to share this with the cyber world, but it is just too damn funny not to.  If it had happened to someone else I would want to tell the world, so I guess I will have to get a little egg on my face this time.

When I first told the boys I was pregnant, they started to ask a lot of questions about how the baby was born.  (Thank goodness they did not ask how she got in there-although that would be a very short story...get it? Oh never mind)  I told them at first the baby was going to come out of my belly.  Don't most kids just accept that fact?  Oh no, not mine.  They freaked out.  They started asking if the doctor was going to cut me open, would it hurt, was I going to die, and eventually started to cry.
So I called an audible, and changed plans at the last moment and told them that the baby would come out of mom's vagina, which is the girl privates.  OK technically, I said I would poop that baby out of my vagina, but now is not the time for specifics.

They began to laugh and laugh.  Then the questions came about baginas (as they call it).  Do all girls have one? Can we see one? Does it look like a wiener?  I tried to calmly answer all of their questions.  Then they became obsessed with talking about it.  They told everyone they could that "Mommy was going to have a baby out of her bagina." If they were not talking about my delivery, they were telling every woman they saw "You have a bagina...it is like your wiener." 

I tried to stop it, I did.  But sometimes it was so stinking funny.  And all it takes is one little laugh from an adult and a kid feels like he has found comedy gold.  Eventually I told them that their wiener was actually called a penis, and I went over the list of rules about their penis.  I never thought I would have to tell someone what to do with their own penis, but apparently, that is not something that comes naturally to men.  They instinctively want to touch it all of the time, but I have to remind them that they should not show it to others, or let others touch it.  We covered "stranger danger" and all of that.

Fast forward a couple of months to this past Saturday.  I took the boys to the Sounds game with Aunt Kiki and Timbone.  We had an AMAZING time.  The boys absolutely loved it, and amazingly, so did I.  The first episode of potty mouth started while we were standing in the Will Call line.  Dillon head-butted Kiki in her stomach and the following conversation followed:

Kiki:        I hope you did not hurt your head on my rock hard abs
Dakota:   *Walking up and smacking Kiki on the butt* I thought this was your rock hard ass
Kiki:        I said ABS, not ass
Dakota:   Abs? I don't know what those are

I thought I may pee my pants.  I know, I know I should have been furious at his potty mouth, and I did reprimand him eventually for using that word, but 2 things came to mind.  The fact that he knows the word "ass" but not "abs" is a giant parenting fail, and not particularly his fault.  Second, he was not trying to have potty mouth, just correcting Kiki on what he thought was an error on her part. 

Fast forward a few more hours and we are in the car on the way home.  What happened next was 1) my fault 2) super embarrassing and 3) the funniest thing ever.

Me:            Dakota, tell Timbone how Ryan is going to be born
Dakota:      Ryan is going to come out of Mommy's bajina
Timbone:   Wow, I don't know what to say
Dakota:      Sometimes babies come out of mommies bellies, but my mommy has babies out of her    bagina.  And since this is her 4th kid, she probably has a humongous bagina. 

::Crickets, Crickets:: and then uncontrollable laughter. 

When I could finally breathe, I told Dakota that we do not ever say that again, and that the number of children does not necessarily correlate to the size of someone's vagina.  At least that is what I tell myself. Well now Dakota knows he has struck a funny bone and wants to continue the conversation. (That and he knew he was at the back of the van so I could not immediately swat him with something, so he was feeling pretty ballsy)

He then begins to talk about how grown ups have hair on their privates and he hopes he never has a hairy penis.  (he actually said a lot more than that, but due to slander laws, I will not write about it)  What happens next is weird, funny, and well, weird.

Dakota:    When I grow up I am going to have a business called "For Wieners Only" and I will make sure no one has a hairy penis, because that is gross.  On second thought, maybe I will hire a pro to do it.
Me:           ::Choking::  You should probably hire a pro, because I do not want to have to tell people that my son shaves penis' (peni?) for a living.
Dakota:     Yeah, and I should probably not discriminate and let baginas in too.

I turned on the radio and no one spoke the rest of the car ride.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

So I know lately my posts have been very "woe is me" and maybe a little bitter.  OK a lot bitter.  But I am hurt.  And confused.  But what I don't want anyone to think is that I think I am some perfect person who made no mistakes and I am an angel on earth. 
I am far from it.  My therapist says eventually I will have to deal with what I did to contribute to the situation and all that crap.  I am not completely ready for that, but I do know I made mistakes.  I was controlling and bossy.  I wanted things done my way.  I did not always respect my STBE (soon to be ex) like I should.  Like the Bible says a wife should respect her husband.  I see that now.  Man, do I see that.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about that. 
Even though the end of our marriage is on his shoulders, I am not innocent on everything.  There are times I wish I could beg his forgiveness for any hurt I caused him.  I know he does not care about hurting me, but that does not mean I still do not want to do what is right.  And part of me thinks that maybe I was so horrible for so long that I killed his spirit and anything in him that even wants to be kind to me.  I hope one day he can get over whatever hurt he has experienced, because we have a long road ahead of us. 
Maybe he is not hurt, maybe he just truly is some anomaly and able to turn himself off like a switch.  Maybe he has a brain tumor.  Hell, I wish I knew.  I don't mind if he blames me for things because I know the truth.  I fought to save our marriage, to fix my flaws, and to rise above the pain.  He did not.  That is really hard for me to accept, that I was not worth trying for.  And for every instance I can recall where maybe I was a bitch mean to him, there are 10 I can recall where I showered him with love.  There are 20 moments for each bad one where we laughed and talked.  I DON'T EFFING GET IT.
Sorry, sometimes, I want to scream.  Just stand outside and scream and cry and throw things. 
I want this to be over.  I wish I could be as numb as he appears to be. 
So, obviously my thoughts are all over the place.  My point is that I know I was not a perfect wife, and I know I have a lot of work to do on me before I am ever going to be able to give myself to a man.  And that is OK.  My concern is my children.  And where I refuse to take any blame, is how he has handled himself as a father.  No matter how he feels about me, he should be there for his kids.  And I have done everything but beg him to be there.  So I am sure that I will continue to wonder, and hypothesize, and second guess a lot of things over the past 8 years.  I know it will take time, and eventually I will think about it less and less.  I am sure that once I have baby Ryan and my hormones are back to normal, maybe I will be too.  Maybe not.  I am OK with that for now.  I have one responsibility right now, and that is to be a mother.  I am not perfect, but I am going to be the best damn mother I can, because the moment I decided to become a parent, life ceased to be about me.  I just wish he saw things that way too.

You never know until it happens to you

I have plenty of single mom friends (or mom's who were once single moms) and many of them were single all throughout their pregnancies.  I always knew it was hard for them, but I thought it was because they missed their significant other.  I mean they had me there for them, their families, other friends, and so they really were not missing out on anything, right? 
So now that I am going through a pregnancy alone, I have started to see how wrong I was.  I know it is pretty crappy of me to just now be really seeing the truth in the matter, now that it is happening to me, but isn't that normally how it works?  We are quick to dismiss things or pass judgement until it affects us, and then our entire outlook changes. 
So now that I am in the situation I am in, I would like to apologize to everyone I have ever known that went through a pregnancy without the complete support of the father, for me not recognizing how truly crappy it is.  It is not the intimate relationship that I miss.  It is knowing that I have a partner in the miracle of life.  That the man I trusted to create a child with me, is actually as excited as I am.  I miss knowing that there will be someone there at the end of the day to rub my feet or put their hand on my stomach to feel the baby move.  I miss knowing that I have a cohort in this journey. 
I miss knowing that whatever happens, there is someone out there as invested in this as I am.  I know I have friends and family who are, but it is just....different.  I guess I did not anticipate that while I was not "with" my daughter's father, that he would take such a complete lack of interest.  It pains me that he cannot even speak of the pregnancy or say her name.  That he never asks how she is doing, or how I am doing.  Not as his wife (which I still am) but as the vessel and life force of his first daughter.  I hate that while I am doing this alone, he is off playing house, pretending to be a devoted father.  That he is sharing those thoughts, wishes, concerns, with another girl.  That he can devote so much into someone he has known only a few months but cannot even inquire as to the well being of his wife for 8 years, partner for 12 years, and the woman currently carrying his fourth child while raising his other three.
I know I should not care, but I do.  I remember so vividly the joy and excitement of going into labor with my first three children.  I remember having him by my side, holding my hand, encouraging me from the time we left for the hospital until we came home with our bundle of joy.  I remember the intense sense of bonding/oneness/love/perfection I felt when the doctor handed me our child and my husband stood beside me, with tears in his eyes as he kissed each of us on the forehead.  In my life, the three times I have experienced that have been the most intense and perfect moments in my life.  They were the moments I knew that I was on the right track.  That I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  What a fool I was.
And now I think of this pregnancy and how it will all play out.  I think about having my first contractions and wanting to reach out to him, but knowing my contact is not wanted.  I think about beginning to make the phone calls, pack my bags, and instead of being overwhelmed with joy, drowning in anxiety and fear.  I imagine arriving at the hospital and being without the person who helped create this miracle, and knowing that even if he was there, the last thing he would want to do is hold my hand and support me.
I picture me laboring with our child, and him in the waiting room texting her and sharing this moment with her.  I imagine that first moment I see my daughter and I look around and he is nowhere to be found.  I can feel the joy as I hold her being washed away by a sense of loneliness and shame.  The anxiety is almost palpable as he comes in the room for the first time to meet his daughter, and does not even bother to look my way.  I watch his eyes fill with tears as if he deserves any of the joy.  I can hear him calling her to tell her how perfect his daughter is and how he cannot wait for her to hold my child. 
I assume he will stop by a couple of times over the next couple of days to fulfill his obligations.  He will blush as I breast feed and turn his head or leave the room as if he may see something he has not seen thousands of times before.  He will ask the obligatory questions so that when he is asked, he can act like he is being actively involved.  I fear that every time he is around I will not be able to control my tears or hurt, or maybe even anger.
Jump forward to leaving the hospital, alone with my daughter, and coming home.  To putting her in her crib for the first time with no one around who truly understands the impact of all these "firsts".  To the night feedings by myself.  To being sleep deprived, depressed, and overwhelmed with negative emotions during a time that should hold nothing but joy. 
I know I should not think of these things.  I know I should focus on the positive, but as each day passes i I am reminded that the man I knew is gone.  That what I thought I had is over.  That I will never have that again. This is my life.  This is how it will be for my children and I for now on.  There is no "maybe".  There is no hope.  We are alone in this. And I know we will make it, and will be great.  I just hate that we are having to prove that.  I hate that he has the world by a string while I am hanging on by a thread.  I hate that I have these vain, selfish, useless thoughts.  I hate that I cannot erase him from my mind.  I hate that I am so emotionally weak that I allow him to consume my thoughts, but here I am. Still hurting. Still crying.  Still standing still, as if I might wake up from this nightmare.  As if I might save the day and come out the hero instead of the victim.

Four Months

In four months I lost my husband, my best friend, my parenting partner, and my soul mate. I have been betrayed, lied to, let down, and humiliated.

I have also gained new friendships, saw the light, found faith, found strength, and grown closer to my children. I have seen the bottom and rose above it.

It is not easy, in fact it is hard as hell. I still cry daily and relive the past over and over. I wonder if we ever cross your mind. But in spite of all the emotions, I move forward. I take care of our children. I work full time. I teach the boys about God and love. I am PRESENT!

And now, when faced with the fact that my daughter (yes she is mine. You donated sperm. You have yet to ask about her, acknowledge her, or ask to feel her move. She is mine) may suffer from birth defects whether mild or severe, and still I press forward. I take care of business. I take care of our children with a smile on my face. And I am doing a damn good job.

So live in sin and fear. Drink away your sorrow. Smoke pot to the numb the pain. Not that you care, but we are doing great without you. We will continue to do so.
"For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me."

When you hit the bottom, you can rollover or bounce

Sometimes, things happen in life, and we are forced to take a look inside ourselves and do a self evaluation. We have to ask ourselves, "What did I do to contribute to this situation?" Typically, we never choose to do this when things in life are going well, because, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It often happens that when life knocks us down, we use that time to self reflect. (Or at least should. We all know the people who use that time to place blame) I was forced to take a hard look at myself and see if I was the person I wanted to be. I made a decision to look at myself honestly, and not to blame others for my behavior or beat myself up over past mistakes, but to learn and grow from those character flaws.


I also decided to stop blaming myself for the decisions of others. I could have no more controlled their actions than I could have controlled the wind. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own decisions. This is not easy to do, and I still battle with blaming myself, but I know that, in time, I will stop doing that, and be able to see much clearer. I have to say that, had you asked me a year ago, what I would have done if I found myself in the situation I am in now, I definitely would not have imagined I would have handled things how I have. I probably would have told you a list of things I would have done, and most would probably have ended in jail time.

Never would I have imagined that I would have handled myself with such faith, grace and courage. I am not trying to pat myself on the back. I have cried, gotten angry, spoken out of anger, and done things that maybe weren’t perfect, but I decided from the start, that I was not going to do or say anything that I would regret later. I try to imagine that everything I do or say will eventually be found out by my children, and I want to be able to look at them with my head held high, and let them know that I did the best I could. That while I did not always make the right choices, I made the choices I felt were best at the time. At night, when everyone is asleep, and I am left alone with myself, I have enough pain and heartache already, without having the guilt associated with making poor decisions.

Sometimes I wish I could time travel back to when I was a teenager, and have a little pep talk with myself. I would tell myself the importance of self esteem, faith, love, controlling my anger, and exercise/diet. I would guide myself to be a better person so that I could be a better wife and mother. There are times I dream of going back in my marriage and changing some of my behaviors and reactions. I wonder how life would be different if I had been then, the person that I am meant to be, and the person I am trying to be now.

Then I smack myself and come back to reality. I cannot go back and change anything, and I would not want to, because even the slightest change could alter my life now, and while there are bad situations in it, I would not risk changing anything. Because outside of the last 7 months, I have had an amazing life. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends. I have my children, and I HAD what I thought was an amazing husband (And truly I am not stupid, I did have someone pretending to be a great husband.  I do not know what happened between now and then). I had my health, a good job, advanced degrees, and I thought I had life in the palm of my hand. I suppose maybe I got complacent and did not nurture the relationships I had. But I still would not change a thing because I am right where I am meant to be. And to be honest, if I knew now how easily someone could become something so disgusting and vile, and lose all sense of morals or compassion, I would have probably avoided them at all costs, and then I would not have the 4 greatest things that have ever happened to me.

So I am not perfect. I struggle with self doubt, fear, anxiety, and anger. But at the end of the day I know that God has a plan for me, and that it will be better than anything I could have imagined for myself.

86,400 seconds

24 hours…so much can happen in 24 hours. I remember waking up one day thinking I was blissfully married, only to find out within the next 24 hours, that I never meant anything to him and that he had already replaced me with a more immature easy loose moraled younger girl (But by no means upgraded)

I woke up yesterday thinking it was going to be the day that I moved on.  That I quit with the "what ifs" and "whys" and started to live MY life.  I woke up to have breakfast with my boys, took Dakota to school, and then took Dillon and Dalton to the doctor for their Well Visits.  I was determined it was going to be a day without tears. 

The obstacles started small.  Dalton was diagnosed with PICA (Pica (pronounced /ˈpaɪkə/ PY-kə) is a medical disorder characterized by an appetite for substances largely non-nutritive, that are not meant to be consumed such as clay, paper, metal, coal, dirt ), which I already assumed, but was told of all of the forms of PICA, his was the safest because the non-food items he chose to eat were able to be mostly digested. (He picks the fibrous materials off of his diapers or furniture and eats it).  The good news was that he will more than likely grow out of it, sooner, rather than later.

The doctor informed me that Dillon failed his hearing test in both ears.  WHAT?!?!?! I am praying this is a mistake and maybe he just did not follow directions.  He has never given me any reason to believe he has trouble hearing. Maybe a case of selective hearing, but that seems to be every male in the world.   But as a mom I am still concerned. 

Dalton also used the opportunity for an audience at the doctor to show how well he could pronounce, and how many different uses there were, for his new favorite expletive word. DAMNIT.  Let me tell you how proud I was...not. 

But we left the doctor feeling pretty good.  I have some strong healthy boys and I was filled with hope for the day. 

::RING RING::

So many moments of sadness or trauma have started with that sound. Ok technically that is not the sound my phone makes...it actually sang out with Eminem's song "I'm Not Afraid", but for the purpose of this story, ""ring ring"" is a better option.

A simple ring.  The last sound I heard before I found out my uncle and cousin had been killed by a drunk driver.  The last sound I heard before I found out that my Grandmother had passed away.  The last sound I heard before I found out my Uncle Jeff went to be with the Lord.  The last sound I heard when I found out that I would never again hear the contagious laugh of Emily Harding.  The last sound I heard when I saw the proof that my marriage was over.  So many times in my life, that sound, has been a precursor to my tears. 

When I answered the phone and saw it was a local number, I assumed it was the new pediatrician thanking me for my patronage, or one of the local hospitals calling to harass remind me that I owe them money. 

When I answered the phone and my OBGYN announced himself, I was kind of taken by surprise.  This is my 4th pregnancy, and my OB has never called me.  My first thought was that something showed up in my Glucose screening or that the urine analysis showed that my pre-eclampsia was back.  Not good news, but manageable.  When I heard him say "Ms. Parrott, I have the results of your ultrasound"  Wait, what?? Results? I know the results.  I am having a girl and she is perfect.  I have the pictures to prove it.  My ultrasounds don't have results, only cute little profile pictures. "Your ultrasound shows some obvious abnormalities in the bones of the skull.  It is what we call scalloping.  While there is always a chance there is an error, I am going to refer you to a High Risk OB to run some more tests.  Is there a time on your calendar where you would be available?"  NOW!!!!!!  You just told me there could be something wrong with my daughter....MY SCHEDULE JUST OPENED UP.  We hung up the phone and the tears came. 

Then I start thinking of everything I should have said or asked, but was in too much shock.  After throwing myself a 15 minute crying fest, I got on my knees and prayed.  And then I reached out to my friends in cyber world to extend their prayers as well.  I know that prayers are the most powerful thing there is.  I begin to wait.  I answer questions to the best of my knowledge for those who reach out to me.  I worry about why the person, besides me, who should be most concerned, has not contacted me at all.  I get on Google.  Bad mistake. 

Waiting waiting waiting waiting.  I am still waiting.  I just called the OB and my doctor is in surgery and they will make sure to get with me before the end of the day.  THAT IS A LIFETIME FOR A SCARED MOTHER. I am comforted by the outpouring of love and prayers for Ryan.  I was feeling sorry for myself last night thinking how hard it is to be a single mom, and to go through a pregnancy alone, and then it hit me....I am  not alone.  I have never been alone.  I have so many people who love and care for me and my children.  If anything I more relate to a polygamist :) 

Waiting....So again in 24 hours my world has been flipped.  Up is down.  Left is Right.  I can't help but be afraid of wonder what the next 24 hours holds.